[the inventor of golf] How can we monetize getting angry in a field?
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My phone went from fully charged to 10% while I was sleeping, so I guess it leads a more exciting nightlife than I do.
6: I like your necklace
Me: Thank you
6: When you die me and my sisters get your jewelry, right
Me: Not if I disown you first
Monday: forearms
Wednesday: forearms
Friday: forearms
Sunday: forearms
–Popeye’s gym schedule
13 year old me: why is my mom texting me?
me now: i’m gonna send my mom a pic of this grass cause it’s super green. I think she’ll like it.
I can never remember. Is it stalactite or stalagmite that’s the bad one?
Picks up a package of hotdogs that are oozing grey liquid
Me: these say they have another week
*throws them in the cart*
The game? A foot.
The door? A jar.
The Fred? A stair.
Drove by a woman with her car broke down, I was going to stop and help until I remembered I don’t know anything about cars or women.
[wife looking at sketch of donut burglar on the news]
“he looks like you”
[me holding huge glass of milk on way to basement] it’s not though
Rachel Ray now makes cat food with real beef just like the cows my cat would eat in the wild.
DOCTOR: “You sit down too much.”
ME: “I understand.”
DOCTOR: “Exactly.”
For $60, I will lift the curse. For $75, I will lift the curse & also get bagels.
William: where have you all been
Kate: omg William there’s a winter forest in the coat closet
I just received a bottle of wine that was regifted 3 times before it cycled back to me.
So, basically, I bought myself a bottle of wine.
How I know my 4yo’s in a little salty mood today:
Huggies commercial: “I’m a big kid now!”
4yo: “…no you’re not…”
It’s like the people in this restroom don’t even want my help unbuttoning their pants.
STOP RUNNING AWAY I JUST WANT TO HELP YOU
*joins Buddhist monastery*
*withstands 21 years of brutal kung-fu training*
So, vending machine that didn’t drop my funyuns. We meet again.
If you don’t kiss the one ring, Fredo will throw you in the fires on top of Old Smokey
Hello? I’d like to rent one bouncey house, please. How many will be using it? Just one. Her age? Uh. Four……..ty-seven.
Typical day, where a billionaire posts a screenshot of your pinned tweet with you cropped out of it and gets more likes and retweets than your original tweet. I’m so glad he enjoyed it.
me: wow the stars are beautiful
gf: omg babe they really are
me: u know who else is beautiful?
gf: *blushes* who? :3
me: Harambe
Computer: shutting down
Me: same
Doctor: “Hey, how are you?”
Patient: “I am good”
Doctor: “Ok. Next.”
-Where was I conceived, dad?
Dad: Ahh *rubs back of neck* At the Bellagio in Las Vegas.
-Rly?
Dad: Wd I lie to u, Bestwestern Broomcloset?
“An apple a day takes Billion Dollars away” ~ Samsung
Him: you work from home all the time, how do you deal with the isolation?
Me: *mouth full of 8am icecream* I’m glad you’ve come to me about this matter
I pet my dog and she started to purr. Thought I should lay off the drugs until I realized the cat was sitting behind her.
Coworker: can I talk to you about your Twitter
Me, hand on the fire alarm:
Coworker: I think you’re funny
Me, removing hand from fire alarm: yes
Did Roberto Martinez just moonwalk out of the job
being on Twitter right now is like playing the violin on the titanic except we are also making fun of the iceberg and the iceberg is getting genuinely mad