John Bobbitt: How long has it been since you last did one of these, doc?
Plastic Surgeon: Well, it has been a while. But I’m sure I can re-member.
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A 17-year-old can win a gold medal at the Olympics, but I don’t have enough energy to go to the grocery store and the post office on the same day.
ME: *exists*
KID: that’s not how mommy does it
Boss: Can I see you in my office?
Me *trying to suppress laugh as I put on my camo jacket* you can try
*nervously plays with tie*
“I’m sorry. I’m no good during job interviews.”
That’s ok, just let go of my tie and go on your side of the desk.
When my wife is mad at me, I like to straighten our wedding picture on the wall and say “for better or worse.”
“Chickfila catering?”
“Yes, sir. How big is your party?”
“Party?”
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a wood chipper, rented under a fake name.
My kid was telling me a story about a man who got shot by a snake and I said that was impossible as snakes are never armed and now I’m banned from talking in my own house.
My cats always look at me like I should have planned something for us to do.
[spelling bee]
judge: your word is “redacted”
me: ████████
judge: [looking around nervously] that’s correct
Old joke:
Guy checks in at the airport and says: “I want this bag to go to Cleveland, this bag to go to Miami, and this bag to go to Las Vegas.”
Employee: “We can’t do that sir.”
Customer: “You did it last year.”
“I call it orange soda cause it’s orange and soda”
-My 4yo inventing orange soda
Pee after storming area 51 or else youll get a ufo
AA MEETING
Chairman: Please, introduce yourself
Eminem: Hi! My name is..
C: What?
E: My name is..
C: Who?
E: Hi! My name is..
C: Huh?
*starts my own YouTube channel so my kids will listen to me.
mario, from under the sink: yeah i see the problem, you got living mushrooms and turtles walking around in here. jesus buddy you got multiple castles back here. i’m gonna have to fight a dragon
The lady behind me in the drive-thru honked impatiently so i paid for her order. When she pulled up to the 1st window to pay, her expression was priceless. Then I picked up both orders at the 2nd window and drove away
I miss walking my dog on July 5th, wondering if I’ll have to wrestle a blown off finger from him.
My neighbor gave me $50 to get my squeaking door fixed because he couldn’t stand it anymore… and so begins my life as a sugar baby
*1941 movie pitch*
“So it’s about an elephant w/big ears and we call him stupid then torture his mother.”
Walt Disney, “I smell a winner.”
Passwords are by far the best way to keep me from accessing any of my stuff
Nothing says warm summer days like choosing between drinking a bottle of ice-cold kombucha or ranch
Whoever first said “I’m in a pickle” must have had the weirdest day.
Me, hold a grudge? Never. I carry a battle axe at all times and settle any nonsense as it happens.
Soo… I guess when he asked for my number he didn’t mean how many lovers I’ve had?
Only thing I Iike about kids, is their ability to attract ice cream trucks
*1776
Jefferson)How do we gain our independence from England?
Washington)Let’s blow shit up
Jefferson)Great! How do we celebrate if we win
Washington)Let’s blow shit up
Jefferson)I like it
The government says 50 terror plots have been thwarted since NSA surveillance. What a perfectly even, unsuspicious number.
Emotional awareness simply means recognizing, respecting, and accepting your feelings as they happen.
📸: @livinglyfree
#emotion #positivemindset #PositiveVibes #selfcare #selfcare
Well if you cant buy babys at Babys R Us what in the world do they sell?