you need to be 737 maxxing. you need to have a few screws loose. you need to be dramatically throwing open doors to feel the fresh air outside. you need to be keeping yourself grounded. you need to be lighting yourself on fire occasionally just to feel something.
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Simple enough.
*in an interview*
Me: Tell me a time when you really struggled in your previous job.
Applicant: 5-7PM po.
Me:
Applicant: 8PM.
Me:
Losing weight to be attractive is weird. I see you shrunk your body slightly. Now I want you.
Her: I’m hungry. If you loved me you’d give me breakfast in bed 😉
Me: *hands her my emergency poptart from my pillowcase* only because ily
Time traveling but it’s just me aging 5 years per every month of my kids life.
I want to win a contest where you get a line in a movie. And I want that line to be about the chili dog I’m eating. And I’m going to keep screwing up that line. And they’re going to have to keep bringing me chili dogs.
[first date]
Me: so what do you do
Date: i’m a veterinarian
Me: thank you for your service
Date: veterinarian not veteran
Me: ok but still
I am never leaving this website
…żyje?
[my attorney after our first day in court] leave the Chewbacca mask at home tomorrow
WIFE: Just face it, it’s a lost cause
WILE E COYOTE: *sifting through Acme bills* You could be a little more supportive, Janet
Him: It’s like people are going feral.
Me: *looks in mirror*
*tries to run fingers through my hair*
*hand gets stuck in rat’s nest*
*flicks ham off my shirt*
*takes deep breath*
*straightens shoulders*
*lifts chin*It’s finally my time to shine. I shall be their leader.
Is it just me or does everything cost like we’re shopping in an airport now?
“Charlie, I want a divorce.”
[in a black robe sacrificing a chicken on a satanic blood alter] Why?
If she’s “one-in-million” there’s 1,344 of her in China.
I stopped at a combination Taco Bell and gas station to eat and get gas. Pumps were down, but…mission accomplished.
My uncle was found dead in his office last night by cleaning staff. I’m glad because he wore Crocs to my wedding in 2006.
If you ever get buried alive, use the extra time to think about what you did to put yourself in that situation so it doesn’t happen again.
Cake!!
8 asked if he could draw my face and was super proud of the result.
Unrelated, he now lives with a neighbour.
Added my sticker to the family on the back of your van I am in your family now you have to bring me to costco every time you go.
if I was a horned animal fighting another male for a mate and I lost, I would just go up to one of the females after and be like “I won.” They don’t even watch
Eating my 8 spiders on New Years Day this year to get it out of the way
When my kids were little they’d say the cleverest things to total strangers like, “My mom drove into the garage door when it was shut.”
My son is finally growing the thick moustache he always wanted on my face.
My favorite thing about single people is how they champion being single till they like someone then they transform into a hypocritcalpotamus
Always
I took the garbage out even though it was raining. “Hero” is a strong word, but accurate in my case.
What idiot named it balding & not vanishing into thin hair
Spice up your confession by changing ‘Father’ to ‘Daddy’