listen *drags cigarette* you don’t wanna tweet, kid *exhales* we already did all the jokes
if you want to know how much i love freedom i don’t have an oven we just shoot our food with guns until it is warm enough to eat
dentist: how much mtn dew have you been drinking?
me: i don’t know why
dentist: because your teeth are snowboarding ok that’s why
*gets to heaven*
omg grandpa!!
grandpa: *charging at me* you wore a jean jacket to my funeral you piece of shit
one time i went to the bathroom and i didn’t know my xbox headset was still on and the other gamers heard me give myself a pep talk
sometimes if i’m having trouble falling asleep i just pretend i’m watching lord of the rings
If I’m ever dangling off a cliff and your hands are full of mikes hard lemonades you better give me one so i can be refreshed on my way down
one time i slam dunked a basketball so good we were out of school for a week people just needed time to process