My 5-year-old talks to me about our solar system like I have no idea it exists, “do you know about the sun? It’s a star.” Yeah I know. I was the one that told you about it.
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Remember: If you don’t post a first-day-of-school picture of each child on Facebook, the state will come and take your kids away.
If you leave me a voice mail that asks me to call you back at my convenience you have no one to blame but yourself.
Me: There’s a guy in Toronto who survived being shot thirty times. He’s totally fine now
Wife: I am not shooting you. Just go to work
People I hate when I’m driving:
1. Everyone. I hate everyone when I’m driving.
Nothing more humiliating than sending a text message with a picture and the picture doesn’t send for ages and now you’ve said something sooo odd out of context
Cop: License?
Me: Here.
Cop: Sir this is a notecard with “Liscence” on it. And above that you wrote and crossed out “Lysense” and “Lisance.”
I’ll bet even homeless people look at funeral homes and think, “Nope. I’d rather stay out here.”
Psychologist: [holds up inkblot] and this one?
Me: a black swirling pit of despair
Psychologist: nope, it’s a duck wearing a funny hat
Merry Christmas to everyone except the guy who wrote the instructions on how to put this trampoline together.
so funny that we all have skeletons. underneath it all we’re just a bunch of spooky little bald guys
[sprays air freshener so my date can’t tell i just took a shit]
uber driver: what was that
I was once accused of stealing money from work. I didn’t do it but it was nice to know management also thought I wasn’t getting paid enough.
Sure I’ve got problems like everyone else but not enough to start a podcast.
Joked to my kid that he ate too many skittles and I wouldn’t buy him any for 10 years, and he responded with, oh so I can’t have them again until you’re 50, and now we’re both mad.
Doug is just Canadian for dog
I can’t take anymore of this 50 Shades of Grey promo. It’s still your basic Cinderella story. Now she just has a ball gag.
Sure, tell me about the dream you had. It will give me a chance to count my teeth with my tongue.
You eventually reach the age when bar hopping turns into let’s stay here because it’s not that noisy and the bathroom is clean.
Husband: Do you want to watch “how to become a cult leader”
Me: nah
Husb: you could create your own cult
Me: I already did…. I made 2 humans from my body and they depend on me for everything… I’m their god
I’m never going to tweet again. Guilty tweets have got no algorithm.
Black Eyed Peas: Whatcha gonna do with all that junk, all that junk inside your trunk?
Me: I’m gonna leave it there indefinitely but then act all embarrassed and say “my car is not usually a mess” when people get in it.
Airplanes: offering you the comforts of gas station food/drinks at popular night club prices
When your divorced parents are forced to sit together at your wedding.
What idiot called it “The Nightmare Before Christmas” and not “A Nightmare on Elf Street?”
Someone gave my boyfriend a book about men getting the upper hand in relationships and I told him to let me read it since he knows how much I love fiction
There is safety in numbers, “TWENTY SIX” I yell at my burglar.
Nothing makes me feel more beautiful than when the woman waxing my eyebrows asks if I want my moustache done too.
I need a house elf. No weirdos tho.
Me: I don’t appreciate being unexpectedly hit with goose liver.
Waiter: I’m sorry for throwing you a surprise pâté.
It’s kinda fucked up that when a horse wins a race the person who gets all the money is the guy that was just sitting the whole time. The prize shouldn’t be $10,000 it should be like five hundred apples.