Her: What do you do for fun?
Me: I write jokes about water vapor
Her: What’s that like?
M: It’s a gas
I have no idea where they learned to talk like that.
– the parent who taught them to talk like that
Chased a waterfall and caught it easily. Not really sure what the big deal is.
internal pockets are for perverts. stay chaste by only using cargo pockets
no one is as indignant as a person who was correctly accused of sleeping
Me: A psychiatrist? That’s silly. There’s no such thing as “too obsessed with bagels.”
Her: Says who?
Me: Sesame
Leave ‘em wanting more. That’s what I always
Krang: My robot body will crush my enemies but they will always be reminded of my brainpower because they will see me through a window!
Henchman: In the h-
K: In the stomach, yes!
[pronounces lasagna like bologna]
dating a tall girl is cool until you make her mad at a picnic and she steps to the other side of the river
What’s good for the Michigoose is good for the Michigander
Boss: Did you get my email?
Me: Yes. It had italics, all-caps, and highlighting and I had no idea how to prioritize that information.
“I’ve got a couple of ideas I wanna run by you this afternoon,” my coworker threatened
All I’m asking is, has anybody heard from Captain Planet since David Attenborough arrived on the scene?
Most adults have thirty-two teeth but you can have as many as you like if your pockets are big enough