Treat your relationships as you would your teeth, daily attention and they could last a lifetime, too bad the same can’t be said for hair.
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*falls from grace*
PARKOUR!
My husband bought harmonicas for our kids and now I need to find a new family
United Steaks of America
Listerine: ‘I kill 99.99% of the germs that cause bad breath!’
Germ: ‘So you’re telling me there’s a chance!’
the “don’t confuse your google search with my medical degree” thing is especially funny to me bc i’ve seen my doctors google my symptoms in appointments
Wife: I left the kids with you for a half hour & they dumped 3 pounds of sugar in the dryer trying to make cotton candy.
Me: Did it work?
Every time I see a sign that says “Right lane ends,” I’m like, so does everything else, deal with it
After having a backup camera, it’s really hard to not have one. Driving my daughter’s car and I just assume that I probably backed over a short person.
People used to be much smaller. WWII people were a foot shorter. Medieval people were basically hobbits. Jesus was the size of a cat.
So the ex texted me
Me as a bachelor contestant: “you’re not talking to any other girls, right?”
cannibals be like “lose 20 pounds in a week” then eat your arm
The atoms that make up your body are ancient things, recycled over millions of years. You are made of stars, and also dead raccoons.
Fun Fact: If you wear scrubs, people will tell you all kinds of unsolicited and disgusting problems.
Me: “Want a banana?”
3yo: “Yes, but don’t cut it up. And don’t peel it. And don’t make it be a banana. Make it be a waffle.”
Genie: I’ll grant you 3 wishes
Me: I want to fall in love
G: OK next
M: With a really nice girl
*we both start laughing*
My signature move is being a complete idiot trying to convince someone that I’m not drink.
Drank.
Drunk.
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over.
BLANKET: You were cold?
Your date leans in and whispers “I’m not wearing panties.” You shiver. She continues: “I pooped a little and had to throw them away.”
I miss payphones. Sometimes you just wanna say hello to someone and also get hepatitis.
Customer: I’d like to buy some chicken soup with matzah balls
Me: Sorry, we only take cash or credit
Manager: Can I talk to you
Age is a hoax perpetuated by Big Birthday Card to keep us from giving the same card every year.
Got fired from the zoo for giving all the howler monkeys megaphones.
Nothing is as heavy as a page that needs turning.
you accidentally send 2 people to hell, and all of a sudden nobody wants to play with you anymore
“Dad can we get a puppy?”
“No but we can get a submarine if you like?”
[2 hours later 3000m beneath the pacific]
“dad I should be at school”
10 likes this girl so I’m going to teach him everything I know about women long story short we’re getting our bikes to ride around her house
Not my fault if the kids give up too soon