@IDontSpeakWhine

“Let’s see what the internet says, shall we?”

-my kids, fact checking me

@IDontSpeakWhine

11 lost a tooth the other day. He threw his tooth in the garbage, walked over to my wallet and took out $2.

He’s a better tooth fairy than I ever was.

@IDontSpeakWhine

My son interrupted my phone call to tell me that he was going to die of boredom. I informed him that was impossible since I’m still alive after listening to him talk about Minecraft for the last 5 years.

@IDontSpeakWhine

[11 has been working on his homework for 1 hour]

11: Guess what, there are only 3 people in the U.S. with my exact name.

Me: What class is this for?

11: I haven’t started yet.

@IDontSpeakWhine

My HOA says no parking on the street, so I flex on them by parallel parking at the end of my driveway.

@IDontSpeakWhine

Parenting means begging your kids to leave you alone for 5 minutes only to freak out when it’s been 10 minutes and realizing that you don’t know where they are.

@IDontSpeakWhine

Before you decide to have kids, you should know that they need to be entertained 27 hours a day.

My math is correct, just ask any parent.

@IDontSpeakWhine

My neighbor thinks that the coyotes are back. When should I tell her that it was just 11 running around the backyard howling at the moon for no reason?

@IDontSpeakWhine

I’m not saying that my kids don’t love me, but if I’m ever held hostage at gunpoint and they have to answer a “yes or no” question in order for me to survive, then I’m definitely going to die because the first word out of my kids mouths is going to be “why.”

@IDontSpeakWhine

Week days: I can’t wait to spend time with the kids this weekend. A movie night sounds amazing!

Weekend: Stop fighting and pick a movie! Why is there popcorn all over the floor?! WHAT DID I JUST SIT IN?! IS IT MONDAY YET?!