@IDontSpeakWhine

Let’s get married and have kids, so we can have mini versions of ourselves do that annoying thing that our spouse does but louder.

@IDontSpeakWhine

My daughter found out that she can type 36.2 words per minute when texting. Which is odd because she always answers my texts with “k”.

@IDontSpeakWhine

My son is wearing earbuds with no music playing so his sister won’t talk to him and I’m jealous because that never works for me.

@IDontSpeakWhine

I wish that I had the confidence of my 12 year old who is staring me down as he eats the last ice cream cone that I had hidden in the freezer.

@IDontSpeakWhine

I just overheard my son say to his friend, “Don’t worry, my mom will never notice.” So I had Alexa make an announcement that said, “Mom already knows!” just to mess with them.

@IDontSpeakWhine

The quickest way to insult a 12 year old at a restaurant is to give them a kid cup when they’re ordering off the adult menu.

@IDontSpeakWhine

My daughter was disappointed with dinner last night and said, “At least this is better than pasta.” Which is a real shame because we’re having pasta for dinner tonight.

@IDontSpeakWhine

My kids love taking turns. For example, they take turns pushing down the garbage so neither one of them has to take it out.

@IDontSpeakWhine

Last night I caught my daughter on the phone with a boy at 10 pm, so I did the mature thing and loudly asked my daughter if she wanted to sleep with her unicorn or teddy bear.

@IDontSpeakWhine

Sorry, I can’t right now. I’m too busy eating all the marshmallows out of my daughter’s Lucky Charms because she pointed out a gray hair.