@IDontSpeakWhine

Just in case you’re thinking about having kids, I just broke up an argument about “excessive angry blinking” at each other.

@IDontSpeakWhine

My husband thought that it was funny to add his name to the bottom of my to-do list, but the joke’s on him because I’m only doing 1 chore a day in the order that I wrote them and he’s number 26.

@IDontSpeakWhine

My son said, “If you had to lose one sense, what would it be?” Without missing a beat, my daughter said taste. Which would have been fine had we not been eating the dinner that I made.

@IDontSpeakWhine

When my kids were younger, I told them that the candy at the checkout counter was fake. Then we would laugh at the people buying “fake candy.”

@IDontSpeakWhine

12: What’s in cocktail sauce?

Me: It’s basically horseradish and ketchup mixed together. It’s good, try it.

12: *makes face* You lost me at horse.

@IDontSpeakWhine

My son couldn’t find his shoes, so I told him that I hid his allowance in them and it’s amazing how fast he found them.

@IDontSpeakWhine

I’m trying to pretend these kids aren’t mine, but it’s so hard when they are sitting at the same table as me in this restaurant.

@IDontSpeakWhine

“Let’s see what the internet says, shall we?”

-my kids, fact checking me

@IDontSpeakWhine

11 lost a tooth the other day. He threw his tooth in the garbage, walked over to my wallet and took out $2.

He’s a better tooth fairy than I ever was.

@IDontSpeakWhine

My son interrupted my phone call to tell me that he was going to die of boredom. I informed him that was impossible since I’m still alive after listening to him talk about Minecraft for the last 5 years.