Let’s get married and have kids, so we can have mini versions of ourselves do that annoying thing that our spouse does but louder.
My daughter found out that she can type 36.2 words per minute when texting. Which is odd because she always answers my texts with “k”.
My son is wearing earbuds with no music playing so his sister won’t talk to him and I’m jealous because that never works for me.
I wish that I had the confidence of my 12 year old who is staring me down as he eats the last ice cream cone that I had hidden in the freezer.
I just overheard my son say to his friend, “Don’t worry, my mom will never notice.” So I had Alexa make an announcement that said, “Mom already knows!” just to mess with them.
The quickest way to insult a 12 year old at a restaurant is to give them a kid cup when they’re ordering off the adult menu.
My daughter was disappointed with dinner last night and said, “At least this is better than pasta.” Which is a real shame because we’re having pasta for dinner tonight.
My kids love taking turns. For example, they take turns pushing down the garbage so neither one of them has to take it out.
Last night I caught my daughter on the phone with a boy at 10 pm, so I did the mature thing and loudly asked my daughter if she wanted to sleep with her unicorn or teddy bear.
Sorry, I can’t right now. I’m too busy eating all the marshmallows out of my daughter’s Lucky Charms because she pointed out a gray hair.