Me: One day I took my friend-
Him: Wait, you have a friend?
Me: Yes
Him: Wow, ok, go on
Me: So I took my friend to the vet for her shots and
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I’m forbidding the twelve people who regularly star my tweets to ever fly in an airplane together.
[first day as life guard]
guy in water: help! help!! i don’t know how to swim!
me: *moving my arms* like this but in water
DOCTOR: To cure your blue skin condition, you must immerse your entire head in this vat of chemicals
GUY ABOUT TO BECOME SKELETOR: Sounds crazy but okay
I wish I was born in a year ending in zero so it’d be easier to remember how old I am. Thanks for following.
Her: Whats that mouth do boo?
Me: Probably say something stupid.
My ex husband went to buy a lotto ticket & never came back, I guess he won, haven’t see him in over 20 years
I never pay for drinks I just insult women at bars & when they throw drinks in my face I open my mouth haha thanks for the free booze ladies
*puts salt and pepper in shopping cart, pushes real good
Idea: shants. Pants for when you don’t want to wear pants. It’s still very much in the concept phase, ok?
5 year old: Mommy, I traded 31 emeralds for 41 bread!
Me: Cool! I just did that at Whole Foods
I hate being bipolar it’s awesome
A hypnotist made me believe I was a bendable metal with an atomic number of 82. I’m easily lead.
Me: I think I broke my arm. Take me to the hospital.
That one friend: I’ll make you a tincture with frankincense & eucalyptus. Then grind some Spanish moss and nettles in my mortar and pestle. You’ll be right as rain.
me: I carry a lot of stress right here
masseuse: this is a brain scan
“Hear me out. I know the cookies are a solid fundraiser, but picture this… mobile margarita truck!”
– and that was the last time I was on the planning committee for the local Girl Scouts.
An episode of Unsolved mysteries, but it’s just parenting a teenaged boy and trying to figure out why you’re out of moisturizer again.
*both typing*
5:02pm
you: babe i love you5:02pm
me: do you think shark pee is what makes the ocean salty
paramedic: [performing mouth to mouth on grandpa]
me: oh god not at christmas!! not like this! [holds up mistletoe] ok carry on
I don’t need armpits that smell like fruit salad or “sexy intrigue”. I exude that naturally.
The fruit salad smell. Not the sexy intrigue.
Awwwwww he is confused! ❤️🤣🤣
If you’re planning a family vacation to a destination that has beautiful ocean views and is kid friendly, make sure you don’t.
my roommate’s been really excited about how well one of her plants has been doing and idk how to tell her it’s a fake plant
TEENAGE JAMES BOND: its actually just a learners permit to kill. I can kill, but only with an adult over 25 and not after 10pm
Seriously, if I were a manager at Burger King, my answer to every complaint would be, “You’re at Burger King.”
Found out it’s $3000 to get laser eye surgery and $300 to get laser hair removal so I’m just gonna get the hair removal on my eyebrows and scootch up a bit when they start.
let’s hit the petting zoo and find out which animals are ticklish
him: would you like to speak with the pharmacist?
her: no thanks
me, first day as a pharmacist: *under the counter* ask her why tho
Three Doors Down is my favorite band name that describes which bathroom stall you should take when someone else is already there.
Me: [giggling] who is Thor’s favorite rapper?
Wife: I don’t know, MC Hammer?
Me: oh.
Wife: [sigh] what’s wrong?
Me: nothing…I mean…why did you say I don’t know if you clearly knew the answer.
ME: I hate when I look in the mirror and I don’t like the person looking back.
THERAPIST: That’s a window. You’re staring at our gardner, Gary.