Jaws (1975): A shark gets annoyed because a bunch of people break into the ocean
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Apparently I can’t enroll someone in anger management classes against their will.
Now what the hell am I supposed to do with my toddler?
*goes swimming in Australia*
*is attacked by sharks*
*crawls gasping onto deserted beach*
*thanks god*
*is promptly eaten by crocodiles*
What my teens said: There’s nothing to eat
What my teens meant: WE ATE ALL THE FOOD!
A no carb diet can make you detached, remote and standoffish so occasionally you should eat aloof of bread.
At this point I’m waiting for my student loans to ask me if I want to add 10%, 15% or 20% gratuity to my bill.
If I hit the lottery, prepare for a beef jerky shortage.
“NO, YOU CANNOT HAVE CANDY FOR BREAKFAST!” my children yell at me.
Magician: *pulls a rabbit out of a hat and makes doves appear from a handkerchief*
Zookeeper: And the penguin in your backpack. Hand it over.
4YO: Mom, you just yawned. That means you’re tired.
6YO: No, she just sighed. It means she’s had it with you.
Househunters, but for birds
Bird 1: I’m looking for a spacious nest. Preferably made with shed mammal fur. Open concept.
Bird 2: & I’d really love a nest without snakes so our eggs won’t get eaten. Plus granite countertops
Bird 1: Our budget is a piece of tinfoil & a stick
[at the bar]
Me: Let’s settle this like men
Him: *pulls out knife*
Me: *rips off clothes to reveal racquetball outfit*
I failed at chemistry in high school…
And finally started dating in college.
Secret Panel HERE 🤘
Put together a list of the PROS and CONS of pizza for those of you who are on the fence!
How people walk when they’re:
DATING *holding hands*
ENGAGED *arms locked*
MARRIED *one person is 5 feet in front of the other and yelling back at them for parking so far away*
Make good choices because ghosts are stuck with the haircut they died with.
My 5yo acts like some sorta food connoisseur when I cook but today I caught him eating bread that he’d dipped in his cup of milk. What’s the deal with that?!
[gently waking my Mom] I think I left my feather earring at bingo last night
Husband: where you off to?
Me: bathroom
Husband: you have to pee again?
Me: no, I gotta cough
The first matador
went to the beach and pissed on a jellyfish before it had chance to sting me
Cndnsd Mlk
Bryan Adams: 🎵 Can’t stop this thing we starrrrted 🎵
Guy in next urinal: Dude, please.
BREAKING: Pluto is once again a regular planet.
“It was always huge & full sized!” said one dwarf planet scientist with a fake mustache.
Never bring a knife to a gunfight. Don’t even show up to that.
rumpelstiltskin: you must guess my name or surrender your first born
barista: *under breath* shit
Does anyone want a $100 bill? Because I’m giving away $100 bills!
Here, you can have my $100 phone bill… and my $100 grocery bill…. and my $100 insurance bill!
Wasps: bees, but not helping
Half the time when you booked The Cure, you got Placebo instead..
DOMINOS PIZZA TRACKER: Your pizza was just flushed down the toilet!
MICHELANGELO: oh hell yeah