what did I do this weekend? saw 50 Shades Darker & coughed through the whole movie on purpose
If a tree falls in the woods can I stand under it so I don’t have to go to work tomorrow?
IF I WIN THE LOTTERY MY CATS ARE GETTING GOLD TEETH AND CANOPY BEDS
got so drunk last night that I ate a salad
*points at houseplant*
no, YOU have a drinking problem!!
shoutout to Disney for giving me unrealistic expectations about love, talking animals and my singing voice
I bet every time Beyoncé leaves a restaurant everyone fights over who gets to smell her chair
why is Charmin trying to get us comfortable with bears? HELLO THEY EAT PEOPLE
drank a Mike’s Hard Lemonade & crashed my dirt bike into a mailbox RT @McDonalds Good morning! How was your weekend?
I do this really cute thing where I yawn right before my girlfriend kisses me so I almost swallow her face
RAN INTO A COWORKER AT TARGET. DIDN’T WANT HER TO KNOW I WAS BUYING BABY CLOTHES FOR MY CAT SO I TOLD HER I’M PREGNANT
if we know your religion, stance on gun control & how many kids you have just by looking at your car, you have way too many bumper stickers
The Constitution says nothing about it being illegal for cats to carry firearms and this worries me immensely.
Just before a Subway employee starts making my sandwich, I’ll stop them and whisper, “Like you mean it.”
Romeo and Juliet is a story about two teenagers who save themselves a lot of trouble by avoiding marriage