Anything is free if you can outrun security.
The more you know.
My coffee maker broke so I’m using my backup coffee maker and searching Amazon for a backup coffee maker for my backup coffee maker because what if my backup coffee maker breaks?
I saw the Cheesecake Factory trending and thought it died.
My boss: you seem distracted today…
Me: sure, I’ll get that for you asap.
Pro tip: If your full grown kid won’t move out just tell them their Christmas gift is in the driveway and lock the door when they go look.
I’m not a 6. I’m two 3s in a trench coat.
Your mom when the street lights been on 6 minutes and you’re not home yet.
For Halloween I’m just going to put these on and lay down under a house.
I’m caught between needing new glasses and having already seen too much.
I don’t know who needs to hear this but by September you should already have your letter to Santa drafted.
We’re all ridiculous…
It’s not a competition.
Sometimes, when I’m doing dishes, I’ll just start flinging them towards the cabinets and get mad when it doesn’t work out like it does in cartoons.
*scream sings THERE GOES MY HERO*
Treat her right or Pete Davidson will.
Some of you won’t be ready for pumpkin spice in 2 months and it shows.