If you get lost on Columbus Day you’re allowed to just choose and occupy a new home, regardless of its current occupants.
The more you know
The dollar tree has motion sensor Christmas ornaments that blast jingle bells in case your family doesn’t already hate you…
I get all my cardio by crying when someone calls me ma’am at the gym.
<first date>
Him: *wipes mouth and tosses napkin on unfinished plate*
Me: *seductively slides napkin to the side and finishes his meal*
LOL, Investigation Discovery, for assuming your victim was murdered at night just because she’s wearing pajamas.
Me: Dear Santa…
Santa: *scrolling my TL*
I’m going to just stop you right there.
The word “karaoke” comes from an old Chinese proverb meaning: “go home, you’re drunk.”
That awkward moment when you flirt with a guy whose staring at you in the Waffle House, but really he just died there with his eyes open…
Me: Can I leave early today?
Boss: No.
Me: Can you leave early then?
Boss: What?
Me: What?
My scariest campfire story is about the time I held a flashlight under my chin to tell one and everybody started counting my whiskers…
1978 was all about running home when the street lights came on and dressing in the closet so my Shaun Cassidy posters didn’t see me naked…
What it said: May cause headache, fatigue, flatulence, weight loss, baldness, and even death.
What I heard: Weight loss.
*doubles dosage*
My neighbors started Christmas decorating right after they ran out of Halloween candy so I called the police.
Coworker: Do you have any snacks?
Me: WHY DOES EVERYONE THINK I HAVE SNACKS? DO I LOOK LIKE I HAVE SNACKS?
Coworker:
Me: Top desk drawer.
Kids are making millions off apps and games they’ve created and I haven’t watched TV in days because I hit a wrong button on the remote…