Popeye just relied on the spinach to turn him into a bucking mule or his hands into sledgehammers. He really had no fighting technique.
I was jogging at night once in jeans when I caught up to an old guy at the corner. He was so startled he handed me his wallet. I didn’t want to waste all his fear so I politely took it.
Diving is a sport cuz some people are really good at jumping into water.
Cauliflower pretzels? Do you know what either of those words mean?
You kids may find it hard to believe but there was a time when a new Star Wars or Marvel movie didn’t feel like a homework assignment.
“You will be visited by three spirits. The first two will be a waste of your time but the third one, holy shit…”
Of course, turn the volume all the way up on your terrible, terrible music. Why should you suffer alone?
Stop telling me velociraptor was the size of a large turkey. You’re ruining everything.
First day of gondolier training:
You mean I have to stand…STAND on the tip of this boat ALL day rowing with one oar?
Singing. You have to sing.
Sing?! How could this job be any worse?
Wait, let me get your costume.
When a little kid starts crying at a sad part in a movie so you quickly explain it’s all make-believe to make her feel better but she starts crying louder because she just realized all the movies that made her happy are bullshit too.
I don’t want to kill mice but I know they have to go so the cat takes care of it. When she goes down to the basement I’m like a mafia wife. She’s doing what has to be done and I don’t want to know about it.
Of course I’m not going to use my cat’s real name. Lord knows what all these internet perverts would do with that information.
You don’t need to put “liquid” in front of “diarrhea”. We get it.
At the beach I saw someone in regular clothes, no towel, no beach gear, sleeping face down in the sand. Wasn’t sure what I was looking at. “Do I call the cops? I don’t have any bars and it’s a long walk to the car. Oh good, she rolled over.”
Imagine falling in love and getting married in space only to return to earth to find out what you each really look like with gravity.