Your name is just a compromise. It’s the one both your parents didn’t hate.
When my girl was five I was reading to her from a little book about George Washington.
Me: As a boy he liked to ride horses and fish.
Her: He liked to ride fish?!
It’s been nine years but in my mind he’s still riding that big beautiful fish.
My daughter should be getting her mid quarter grades soon. I’m excited to see how I’m doing in algebra.
Stop calling me an amateur. I’ve been doing this for decades. I’m incompetent.
Sometimes when I travel I toss a flashlight into my bag and when I open the bag later it’s turned on. So no lightsaber for me thanks.
If you have any selfies of you running from wolves then yes, I would be very interested.
Took my kid to a roller rink and strapped on skates for the first time in 30 years.
The arcade games, the music, the disco ball; every detail took me straight back to my youth.
The only new feature was the ambulance ride.
The Hallmark channel. Where else can you watch a two hour movie and not recognize a single actor?
A gathering of crows is called a murder.
A gathering of eagles is called a convocation.
A gathering of old girlfriends is called a mistake,
…a terrible, terrible mistake.
Scurrying around in your socks, holding your beltless trousers up: airport security is like a weird, brief slumber party in the middle of the day with a bunch of strangers.
Stopped visiting friends because they have a child gate on the way to the upstairs bathroom I can’t figure out.
Why is the floor squeaking upstairs; does the cat weigh that much? Jeezus I hope the cat weighs that much.
The great songs ask the eternal questions: Where have all the flowers gone? How can you mend a broken heart? Who let the dogs out?
Girls are suckers for a sad story so I always told them about my dad leaving us on my 8th birthday. I leave out the part where he returned with my cake.
It wasn’t chocolate so…still sad.
If aliens come I hope they bring us a new animal to eat. I’ve about had it with beef and chicken.