Being a little kid is so wild. You just learned that chicken nuggets come from chickens, your mom’s brother is your uncle, and you just got your first paycheck from the tooth fairy. Life is good.
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I don’t go camping. I can’t sleep at night knowing I locked my front door with a zipper.
I don’t usually talk to strangers but when I do its because I’m at the zoo and someone called a tortoise a turtle.
This was the best day of my life
*picks up frog*
*kisses it*
Frog: you know I’m poisonous, right?
Me: oh thank god.
I believe in you. But I also believe in aliens, big foot, and werewolves so don’t get too excited.
Used to work with a grumpy older guy called Philip Eno and I was always too scared to ask if he was related to Brian Eno. Anyway, years later I actually met Brian and I said to him: “Is your brother Philip Eno?”. He replied: “No, he’s English”.
[date]
HER: ok let’s both say our greatest fear at the same time, 3 2 1
HER: being alone
ME: a clown eating my hotdog
when the moon is out in the middle of the day it’s like oh no they called you in on your day off
HER: Shake what your momma gave you!
ME: *Tosses around crippling anxiety and male pattern baldness*
Hate being a funeral director
“why’d u take the job?”
I inherited it from my dad
“You could’ve just declined it”
And lose my first customer?
It doesn’t matter how hard I try, I just don’t seem to be going anywhere in life
Hamster therapist: Sounds like you’re in a vicious circle
Hi everyone! Welcome to AA. This is a “judgment free” zone…unless we’re talking about Janice who ate all the cookies last week.
Me: you’re a coward
Tattooist: it’s just not possible to tattoo your whole body “denim”
Winnie the Pooh: will u marry me?
Piglet: for the last time, u don’t get a literal “honey” moon
Pooh: pls say yes I need to see for myself
Our tree caught on fire we threw it outside and the dog dragged it back into the House
Tough love is true love
I still don’t understand why my boss didn’t like my idea of playing musical chairs at our next Monday meeting. He asked us for new ideas.
If I were British I would carry around a monicle and drop it whenever I was horrified
My ex recently asked me if I wanted to be “Friends with Benefits” which is so psycho like dude I am a woman in her 30s, you can’t ask me something like that….I absolutely do not want new friends.
Save time sledding with kids by just throwing away one mitten before you even leave the house
duolingo: he is a boy
me: él es un niño
duolingo: she is a girl
me: ella es una niña
duolingo: can i make it anymore obvious
me: puedo—wait
[Last supper]
Jesus: Same time next week guys?
*they all nod*
Judas: I’ll book a table for 12
Jesus: you mean 13
Judas: yeah..13, I meant 13
Me: why are you not drinking your milk?
3: it’s too cow-ey
[a guy walking his dog grabs my purse and they run off]
Me: Hey, that’s not nice! You get back here this instant and let me pet that dog!
I’ve accepted that I’ll probably never say “I’d love to” without sounding sarcastic.
The first rule of hydration club is where is your restroom?
Best part about wearing glasses is taking them off when you’re making a point so people know shit’s about to get real.
She left me because I am insecure.
No wait, she’s back.
She just went to get a glass of water.
“No use crying over spilled milk” was coined by someone who didn’t have a 3yo who played with her milk. They didn’t have to deal with asking the 3yo to stop playing with her milk. And they def didn’t have to clean the spilled milk.
So you’re damn right I cried over spilled milk.
When all you wanted was a good paying job, but now you have to touch base, circle back, dive deep, be more impactful, come up with action plans, utilize your resources, go above and beyond, and piggyback off of what Susan said