Chamomile tea makes chamomile pee.
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me: time for sleep 🙂
my brain: IS IT THE “S” OR THE “C” THAT’S SILENT IN THE WORD “SCENT”???
My wife does this cute thing. She sets her alarm clock an hour before she has to get up and then hits snooze 27 times. It’s so adorable.
still laughing at the idea that the reason someone orders pizza delivery every day is they can’t afford bowls
Sharing a streaming account with someone who doesn’t have their own profile is like gaslighting yourself.
“I don’t remember watching this”
SS: Yes you did. See right here? That’s where you stopped watching.
“You sure? I really don’t remember watching this”
The sun got the nerve to be out.
Don’t just stand there, DO SOMETHING
Imagine a spider. Scary, right? Wrong. This spider is imaginary. Really makes you think
Divide and conquer? Ok. *opens calculator app*
At this rate, I can’t wait to see what the holiday decorations look like.
I buy my shoes three sizes too big so if I run into a clown posse I’ll have automatic street cred.
If stores want to accurately display clothes for people over 40 the mannequins should be laying on a couch after 5PM.
Before you bludgeon to death that drifter who broke into your apartment and passed out on your futon, ask yourself: when did I buy a futon?
HER: {brings me to bedroom} And this is where the magic happens.
ME: Show me {moves closer}
HER: What do you want me to do to you baby? {moves closer}
ME: {so close that our lips are almost touching} Saw me in half.
alexa, make my husband understand me like your amazon targeted ads do
love when my grandparents tell me the story of how they met and got together because suddenly I find myself googling things like “statute of limitations India” “how to report a crime from 1942” “can I report a crime in India if I live in America”.
ive taken a couple of survival classes and let me tell yall youre gonna cut urself trying to build something and die of an infection before the “raiders” come for your “water purification tablets”
Teen just came out of the dressing room wearing the ugliest top I’ve ever seen so I said ew no to which she answered mom this is literally my shirt that I’ve been wearing all day.
Barista: Can I get a name?
Me: Free
[Later]
Barista: I’ve got a caramel macchiato for Free
*fights break out as I smile from the corner*
My husband says none of my metaphors make any sense. He is just an empty canoe in the snow.
my wife’s lover: what about your husband
“he won’t be home from the camouflage store for hours”
[plant in the corner cocks gun]
GUY: how’s it going?
ME [scraping the ‘us’ off my Prius]: well it’s not going great, Ron
[being prepared as a virgin sacrifice to a vengeful god]
me: this is a mistake. i do sex all the time
shaman: [anointing me with ceremonial oils] lol with who?
me: you wouldn’t know her she goes to another tribe
Police: Sir, you account is hacked.
Me: Twitter?
Police: No, bank account.
Me: Oh, thank god !!
7 A.M.: I will only eat the wholesome low-calorie whole grain cereal with skim milk.
MIDNIGHT: Where are the chocolates? I must have more chocolates!
*i put two straws in my drink*
gf: awhh 🙂
me: hell ya double barrel
*i use both straws*
I saw all your OJ jokes yesterday and they absolutely killed me
I’m not even going to try to be understood today. If you hear nonsense, that’s what I said.
[Deletes duplicate memes on my phone]
“Weigh me now”.
Me:Thank you, he’s so hot I don’t even know what I want to do first…Grandma: (interrupting) Okay, can someone else say the prayer please?
FREE IDEA: a tanning salon called “Turn Brown For What.”
It’s too bad you unfollowed me, I was about to propose.