Me: I hate seeing you like this.
Coworker: Like how?
Me: In person
Him: I’m attracted to bad girls
Me: *changes lanes without signaling*
Him: how about we finish dinner and you can show me your bedroom
Me: why wait? *pulls out cellphone and flips through photos of my room*
Me: It’s a beautiful night
Him: What?
Me: It’s a BEAUTIFUL night
Him: What?
Me: *opens trunk* I SAID, IT’S A BEAUTIFUL NIGHT!
Me: [Nudges friend] You should see what I just wrote on the bathroom wall.
Friend: Uh… You do know we’re at my house right?
[during sex]
Him: it’d be nice if you were a little more enthusiastic
Me: *pulls out giant foam finger*
Life doesn’t do much to prepare you for when a coworker gets bangs and asks what you think of her hair.
Watching my coworkers split a cupcake three ways was more upsetting than the first time I missed my period.
I really hope that people are staring at me because they think I’m pretty and not because I slipped on ice and into a parked car.
Me: *scratches another tally mark into these prison walls*
Boss: stop damaging the office walls!
Me: This is the year I’m going to save money.
Also me: *googles, “how to purchase a baby elephant?”*
My boyfriend just texted me, “We need to talk.” I think he’s going to propose!
Quick! Does anyone know how I can get red wine off of my date’s white cat?!
Me: I can’t get the taste of sour balls out of my mouth
Friend: I love those candies
Me: Candies?
On the list of things I’ve learned today:
1. You’re not allowed to walk a police dog
2. Pepper spray recovery time is 37 minutes