I’m at a stage in my life where I know I should workout and eat healthy, but swallowing a tapeworm seems easier.
I spotted a subtweet and also spotted a squirrel with a juice box…
I’ll let you guess which one had a greater impact on my life.
I’m getting tired of always having to slowly raise my hand every time someone angrily asks, “Who does something like that?!”
A second date is probably not likely if your date pulls out and clutches a crucifix when you enter the room.
“I can’t eat all of that!”
… and other lies I tell
“It’s ok. This is normal for her.”
– How my friends explain me to others.
If I’m suddenly acting really nice to you, chances are it’s only because I want what you’re eating.
It’s official… My voice is incapable of making, “Thanks. I appreciate that” not sound sarcastic.
Me: I don’t care how cute you are, I will tear you to shreds if you don’t start cooperating.
Wrapping paper: *rips*
*crawls up from backseat*
*slowly pulls off paper bag from head*
What? No… I’m not embarrassed by your driving
Exercise makes you look and feel better naked?
So does Tequila….
I avoid cheating on my spouse by not getting married.
I’m at my most ninja when slipping on my seat belt as a cop car pulls up beside me.
I replace all the family pictures my coworkers have on their desks with pictures of baby sloths and suddenly I need professional help?!?
You are what you eat?
*eats Natalie Portman*