You Might Also Like
The last apple tree in the world shrivels up and dies. In the distance a horde of doctors are ready.
A pregnant pause is like a regular pause but it doesn’t have a period.
*Watching Friday the 13th VII*
GF: This is the 7TH TIME a bunch of kids were murdered at that camp?
Me: Yeah.
GF: You’d think someone would have put up a sign by now.
Unicorn: Come on man, do it just one more time.
Dragon: This is the last time.
Unicorn: Hell yeah!
Dragon: [toasts unicorns marshmallow]
Don’t just argue the point, continue the argument long after it’s over. Hold your ground. If they’re dead, don’t let them pull evasive maneuvers like that. Go to the cemetery, and yell at their tombstone.
In Texas you’re allowed to shoot someone just for being on your property. Man if I lived there I’d host sooo many parties
I asked my 5yo niece if she was behaving and she told me that she was “behaving as good as a banana does” and now I have so many more questions
Protip: If you refer to yourself as “someone” when explaining something bad that happened, your wife will always know that “someone” is you.
*boyfriend calls girlfriend*
Bf: “Hey Babe, I love you!”
Gf: “we’re breaking up”
Bf: “no we’re not, I can hear you just fine.”
The pic on Nextdoor of a swarm of bees on someone’s fence is wicked cool until you recognize the fence.
Chocolate: You’re a little emotional.
Ice cream: It’s gonna be okay.
Grilled cheese: I’m here for you.
Whiskey: Everything’s FINE
Tequila: LET’S WATCH THE HALLMARK CHANNEL
25% of parenting is resisting the urge to scream, “Get to the point!”
Get in, octopus. We’re gonna open jars and do some taxes.
This started out as a simple cucumber account.
But drunk and horney ladies, gave cucumbers a bad reputation.
Studies show that, on average, humans kept in cubicles live just as long as free-range humans.
I say “Andrea” you say “Aun-dray-uh” and that’s why nobody likes you, Andrea.
RHCP: Red Hot Chili Peppers
my brain: Real Housewives of Chili Peppers
My 8-year-old correctly used the word “aesthetic” in a sentence.
When I asked her where she learned it, she said YouTube.
That site is ruining her life. It’s turning her into an English major.
Twitter: You already tweeted that.
Me: I ONLY HAVE TWELVE JOKES.
I was told my $750 iPhone would improve the quality of my phone calls, but my family keeps calling telling me the same shit.
last time I passed out on a Saturday night was when I sprayed too much bleach cleaner on the tub & forgot to open a window
“wow with attitude like this do you even have friends”
me: yes in fact i have all 10 seasons of it
i bet when fish see it’s raining they’re like “oh cool a refill”
“Woah woah hey woah”
[me attempting to breakup a fight]
My wife & I went to a costume party as each other. She walked around pointing at things, asking how much they cost. I showed up 2 hrs late.
That awkward laugh when they’ve said something innocuous, but you’re thinking something incredibly dirty.
Don’t try tell me how many months old your child is. I only recognize:
A. Potato phase
B. Shrieking pterodactyl phase
C. Tiny drunk person phase
[getting pulled over]
Me: R u a bear cop?
Bear cop: Is that a problem?
Me: As long as you’re not a maul cop
*mauls me for bad pun*
There are two types of people in the world, those who sweat when eating spicy food and those whose nose drips when eating spicy food.