“Extra cheese”
Extra! Extra! More cheese!!
“No olives”
Breaking! Hold on the olives!
~Ex-Newsie working at Subway
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Vegetarians and vegans
are admirable ……but cannibals are the real humanitarians.
Welcome to your 50’s.
I thought I saw a werewolf in my bathroom this morning then realized I forgot to pluck that one crazy chin hair.
Happy Halloween!
“To the window, to the wall” – me directing the carpet layers
Being an adult is like watching a foreign movie with no subtitles in a crowded theater, everyone else knows what’s going on and you just nod
I hate to brag, but I just had some sizzling hot, steamy action in the shower.
(Tried to clear the drain with baking soda, vinegar and boiling water)
Everybody has a method to their twitter madness. Don’t critique mine, and I won’t critique yours. If you don’t like how I do it, unfollow.
Others: if you want your house to smell like xmas take a pot of water & add sliced oranges,cinnamon sticks, vanilla, peppercorns, cranberries, forage for 3 pine branches and simmer all day
Me: lights xmas candle
Loan officer: Mr. Minotaur, I’d love to help you but I dont think opening a china shop is a good idea.
My spirit animal is fried chicken
petitioning to change the phrase “gas mileage” to “dinosaur cremation efficiency”
The people who thought I could never pull off wearing a beret owe me an apology.
I work hard.
I play hard.
I do the groceries hard.
I cook hard.
I read hard.
I laugh hard.
I watch tv hard.– Viagra addict
I’m gonna work tirelessly until I find whoever stole the wheels off my car
Me: you have a bug on your shoulder
Doug: a what?
Me: *clears throat* a boug
[shopping]
My Son: This chair will hold up to 300 pounds!
Me: Why did you look at me when you said that?
Condom commercials should just be 30 seconds of crying babies shitting and vomiting all over themselves.
2025: The piñatas have become sentient. Children beaten mercilessly w/ sticks. Mariachi music everywhere.
I have a bumper sticker that says “Honk if you think I’m sexy.” Then I just wait at green lights until I feel better about myself.
An alien makes contact. I take it home, give it a sandwich. Then ice cream. And then, to show we’re an advanced race, an ice cream sandwich.
When kids try to guess your age it will either be completely flattering or utterly devastating, but never correct.
I tried to sell something for $69 on Facebook, and I guess that’s some kind of code because 3 people asked for my phone number and none of them wanted my old chair.
Was listening to Linkin Park and a student said “I didn’t know you liked oldies!”
Hey people that twitter says are “similar to me”, where do people like us put our car keys?!?!?!
Wife *rubbing her belly* we’ve got a date for our ultrasound
Me: omg
Wife: are we gonna find out what it is?
Me *googling what is ultrasound* way ahead of you
You reach a certain age and you don’t look pensive anymore, you look like you need an ambulance
[me, explaining my weird bedroom TV setup to my date]
We can watch whatever you want as long as it’s YouTube, Netflix, or any of the Jason Bourne movies b/c those are the only DVDs I own.
I turn my phone off overnight. A 3am text either means bad news or drunk people, and both make more sense in the morning.
Meanwhile in Canada…