*bitten by radioactive penguin
*gains ability to not fly
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I caught my cat licking a bar of soap and I can only assume he’s a weirdo or he’s punishing himself for swearing again
Just used a stiletto heel to open an Amazon package.
Next up – that impossible to reach, itchy spot in the middle of my back.
My kleptomania has always been a challenge, but stealing from this bakery really takes the cake.
Can Happiness buy money?
[5:00 AM, in a harsh whisper]
Daddy, don’t worry, you can sleep. I’m making my own breakfast, how do you turn on the stove?
Me: I’m up.
*drinks beer from my glass slipper*
A lady asked me where my adopted son came from and I said if she doesn’t know by now where babies come from it’s not my place to tell her
Years and years of periods are how women got so good at cleaning up after murders.
And I’ve said too much.
Be kind to others especially those who accidentally sat on their Chimichanga.
I don’t see what the big deal is with vaccinating your kids. My mom vaccinated me plenty and I turned out shapes.
Me: I don’t know what to do on my date
Friend: show her some local culture[later]
Date: hi
Me: *holds out hands* look at this yogurt
[first cat being domesticated]
What’s that thing your petting?
“It’s called a cat”
Do they bite?
“Oh ya LOL all the time!”
I asked my 5yo if he wanted leftover chicken for dinner, he said ‘ew, that’s a whole day old’ and I didn’t know I gave birth to a mini Gordon Ramsey.
Your secret is safeish with me
I am, perchance
No officer, my car was already upside down when I got here.
I just saw a woman with a “Dog Mom” bumper sticker. And while the kid in the back seat wasn’t great looking, I still thought it was kinda harsh.
Just finished a series of paintings of mass murderers. A friend wants to put them on display but I think hanging’s too good for them.
I jump from the skyscraper’s ledge, performing 3 graceful somersault, right into the arms of a hot firefighter. Neither of us survive impact
[first day as a getaway driver]
ME: how did I do
BANK ROBBER: you didn’t need to keep honking I knew you were out there
[Ocean’s 14]
Danny Ocean: We’re going to steal the world’s largest ball of twine
Thanksgiving fact: Giblets are just Grandma speak for the gross stuff.
[sipping hot orange juice] if you’re breaking up with me at least give me a reason
Carl: So hot today.
Me: Tell me something I don’t know.
Carl: During WW II, Americans tried to train bats to drop bombs.
Me: Fair enough.
The more you learn about Ebola, the more terrifying it is
This lady thinks repeatedly pushing the already-lit elevator button will summon it faster. I think I’ll push ALL the buttons when we get in.
Priest: look son, I think you should kick the habit
Me: ok
*nun screams*
When you skip while carrying a can of gas people move out of your way. Even if you’re smiling. No one’s happy when you have gas.
Interviewer: “Describe yourself in three words.”
Me: “Efficient.”
Husband: Give me one example.
Me: ALL the times.
Husband: Those don’t count.