This is just a quick reminder that we’re all gonna die one day so don’t get caught up in petty shit also stop stealing my tweets Greg.
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Hiking is a great way to get fresh air, exercise, and find spots to hide the person you murdered.
*kicks house door down* I SAID HAVE YOU ACCEPTED JESUS INTO YOUR LIFE?
*15th century*
Shaggy: ‘Twas not I
Crinkle cut fries. Ribbed for your pleasure.
I’m not one for asking u guys to check out sites but please do.
Awesome site ~ _~ I’m really honored. @funTweeters
I like my men like I like my coffee. Tied up in a burlap sack and dragged through Columbia behind a donkey.
Why do infants wake up crying as if they are the ones who have to go out and work!?
I bought one of those bodybuilding spray tan machines so I look like mahogany furniture year round
My kids baked a cake and now I have to eat it all tonight because it’d be unhealthy for them to eat it for breakfast tomorrow
“Olive Garden: When you’re here, you’re family.”
*My grandma tells the waitress she looks tired*
I know Pluto isn’t a planet you moron. Pluto’s a dog.
Lord of the Rings is about a bunch of straight men fighting over jewelry.
as you get older you make or cancel plans based on the weather. no sorry i can’t go to the store today, it’s too windy.
For the record, I love my children unconditionally and no amount of diarrhea will ever change that.
Probably.
Me: ’til death do us part
Her: ’til death do us part
Death: *cracks open beer* Imma watch them suffer a while
have we checked all food to see if exploding them makes them into something better or did we just stop with corn
I took two years of anger management courses
Now I’m the manager of four brand new anger stores
Why do girls keep having periods when they hate them? Just stop having them , do what makes you happy ❤️
My wife is gone for the next 3 days, so if any ladies out there want to come over & yell at me to take out the garbage & not have sex, hmu
The guy at the gym said rest days are really important, so I’ve been resting for 6 years.
Me, responding to a text at 2 am: Oh they should be asleep so I’ll be free from talking until the morning
Them: *texts back in 30 seconds*
Me: I hate you
You can take your favorite hat on vacation or you can take a junk hat in case you lose it. I have forgotten both.
my mom when anyone would walk on the carpet she just vacuumed
[school]
Ok class, what was Abraham Lincoln most famous for doing? Billy?“Abolishing slavery.”
And…
“Slaying vampires.”
Very good.
NURSE: the doctor has pronounced your father dead
ME: oh my god we’ve been calling him dad all this time
*Meanwhile on a date*
Her: So what do you do?
Me: I’m a photographer.
Her: Wow, really?
Me: Yes. I picture us together.
*Slaps knee*
Drawing fake track marks on my arm so I don’t have to hold anyone’s baby at Thanksgiving.
Janay Rice says the elevator attack was all part of God’s plan. God must not like her very much.
*boss trying to relate to younger employees*
“Excited for the weekend? I know I’ll be *looks down at Wikipedia print-out* Yoloing for sure!”
Life cycle of cat