Daughter: I want some of your coffee!!!
Me: Not if you ask like that! Grumpy girls don’t get coffee.
Husband: *from the other room* OH, is that so!?
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[bleeding out]
ER Doctor: do you know your blood type?
ME: I’ve never really thought about it TBH. As long as it has a good personality
There is no longer any distinction between Nicolas Cage’s movies and Nicolas Cage’s life.
SOME OF MY FRIES WERE TOO SHORT TO COMFORTABLY DIP IN MY KETCHUP AGAIN WHY ME LORD
PROPOSAL: Rebrand shootings as “late-term abortion.” Watch the GOP scramble to stop them.
“Sorry if I lose you. My phone’s about to die.”
“We’re speaking face to face.”
“Damn it.”
Me:
Husband:
Me:
Husband:
Me:
Husband:
Me: moves 1 centimetre
Husband: I’ll take a bowl of ice-cream while you’re up
At the end of Ratatouille, the food critic, Anton Ego, ends up funding a small bistro for Remy to cook in.
The avg lifespan for a rat (ie THE HEAD CHEF) is 1.8 years.
This is an absolute shit investment.
Toddler: I don’t like you. *hits*
Adult: I don’t like you. *tracks your movements for the rest of your life*
Natty or not?
[first date]
Boy: so where are you from?
Me: [points to all you can eat sign]
I live here now.
not a day goes by that i don’t think about dying and then accidentally getting sent to squirrel heaven
Nothing says “Proper Retirement Planning” like a garbage can full of losing lottery tickets
[phone rings]
“Mr Hughes?”
“Yeah.”
“We need u to come pick yr son up from school.”
“Ugh. Whats he done now?”
“Nothing. Its nearly midnight.”
The anxious urge to say “no worries either way” when you are actually worrying both ways plus a secret third way
uber driver picked me up “dodger stadium? you goin to the game?” i was like “nah” and we both sat there in silence for the whole ride, both knowing i had lied
You think you’re your own worst critic? Just wait till you have kids
REVOLUTION HAS BEGUN!!!
“911, what is your emergency?”
I got stuck in a beaded curtain
“Again?”
SEND HELP
For the last time, asking me if I want cheese is insulting. You could have said instead, much more meaningful things like ”Here. Cheese”
“She loves me not…”
: Picks last petal :
“She LOVES ME!”Flower: “…NOT! LOL nerd”
: Whips out hidden petal shaped like middle finger :
Do I love my coworkers? No.
But are they good at their job and make my life easier at work?
Also no…
I like to watch the murder shows on Investigation Discovery so I don’t make the same mistakes those killers did.
My kid yelled she couldn’t wait to be an adult so I handed her the bills, threw the laundry on her bed, replaced her pizza with cauliflower, redirected my student loan calls to her phone and demanded she get me a snack every time she tried to go to the restroom.
7am – So tired I could weep.
12pm – I would LITERALLY kill for a nap.
4pm – Is it bedtime yet?
6pm – HOW IS IT NOT BEDTIME YET?
9pm – Perkier
11pm – Hey! Why am I not feeling tired now?
12am – WIDE AWAKE
1am – Reading ‘62 facts you never knew about Harry Potter’ on the internet.
Not having a sex life has saved me a lot of money on razors.
You ever in a public place and overhear something and look around to see if the person looks as stupid as they sound?
A woman told me at dinner she liked me because I’m “not afraid to eat bread”–so I’m done with socializing for at least a year thanks
Some bloke on FB called me a clown. Now I’ve got to go hide under his bed with a knife cause that’s what clowns do.
I think my neighbor just noticed that I was wearing a pair of shoes he put into his trash last week.