@Ilikerockme

Why are bagels so much hotter when toasted than toast?

Try to butter a piece of toast? Fine.

Try to butter a bagel and my fingerprints get burned off like a Cold War spy

@Ilikerockme

Me at 17: voted most likely to be Prime Minister

Me now: looking frantically for my phone that is in my hand

@Ilikerockme

Sometimes I pluck out a random hair so they know none of them are really safe.

@Ilikerockme

I don’t have daddy issues.
I’m British.
I have *father* issues.