A kiddie pool with a carrot floating in it would look odd to you and me but to a snowman it would be horrifying.
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I bought one of those bodybuilding spray tan machines so I look like mahogany furniture year round
If you keep your curtains open at night, please know I WILL slow down as I drive by to critique your decorating and see what you’re watching.
My cat: Meow
Me: Come here.
My cat: MEOW!
Me: You can’t complain about lack of attention AND not come here. Pick a struggle and stick to it.
Magneto: Never trust a beautiful woman, especially one who seems interested in you.
Me: *on the couch eating Ruffles in sweatpants* Yeah.
I was winning at blackjack until the pit boss offered to exchange my chips for chips and salsa.
I changed my car horn to gunshot sounds. People move out of the way much faster now.
My husband pissed me off so I recalibrated the bathroom scale and added 10 pounds to the reading.
Nancy Drew and the mystery of the seven minute stroller nap delaying bedtime by two hours
Yes of course the covid exposure notices are scary, but nothing shakes me to the core like an old fashioned classroom head lice letter.
Why do New Yorkers constantly think New York is the only place that has things?
Me: Do you want in or out?
My dog: Yes.
I speak four languages
English
Australian
Slang
Typo
Sex is great but have you tried taking a shower after a week of camping?
Why are the pyramids in Egypt?
Bc they were too heavy to carry to the British museum.
Marriage: When dating goes too far.
Yea baby you like them thick?
Check out my orthopedic shoes.
“Let’s give the bad guy a ponytail.” – 80s movies
#SexEdWontTeachYou how to deal with idiots…
friendly reminder that someone having a different opinion about a movie than you is a direct attack on you as a person and you should take it very personally
Tired of being hit by cars? Fed up with being scraped off the road? Sick of fighting off vultures after you’ve been pancaked?
Sidewalks™
Sure breakups are hard, but have you ever had to wait for your phone to stop ringing you so you can start using it again?
I lost 30 lbs, and did it without exercising or changing my diet! Ask me how.
Not right now, though. I’m waiting for my meth dealer to call.
“Is that a banana in your pocket or…a dead banana?” -Schrödinger
*hannibal lecter’s shopping list*
fava beans
a nice chianti
dave
Day 15 of unemployment, still no job listings for dog petters
This guy at the bar just said nobody gets off earth alive. And he and his buddies sat there for a second before the chick in the middle says “what about astronauts” and I love her
Man arrested at airport after officials discover 35 live birds attached to his clothing as he attempted to smuggle them into the country for singing competitions
I wish kid’s socks were biodegradable and came on rolls like paper towel. Just rip off a new pair every day and throw the only one you can find from yesterday in the garden
Tornadoes and marriage are alike, because they both begin with a lot of sucking and blowing, and in the end you lose your house.
Little known fact: a penguin’s head can rotate 390 degrees. Once.