Why are bagels so much hotter when toasted than toast?
Try to butter a piece of toast? Fine.
Try to butter a bagel and my fingerprints get burned off like a Cold War spy
John Wick sounds like a mens toilet candle
Me at 17: voted most likely to be Prime Minister
Me now: looking frantically for my phone that is in my hand
Sometimes I pluck out a random hair so they know none of them are really safe.
I don’t have daddy issues.
I have *father* issues.