An email from my parents: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: Obama’s a Muslim
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“Are you really 43?”
Me: “who lies about being 43?”
There should be a morning after pill for Supreme Court decisions.
Me: I wish my toilet was sentient
Genie: hey fun fact if you wish for a therapist I won’t count it as one of the three
What level of petty is it when your father won’t let you watch Wheel of Fortune with him because you solve the puzzles before he does?
I like how Angelina waited to divorce Brad Pitt until Jen got married. Well played Maleficent…well played…
The opposite of self-deprecating humor is accounting.
Instead of making jokes at your own expense, you makes jokes about other people’s expenses.
#AccountingDay #RubbishJokes
New menu item
Her: Hi! How’ve you been?
Me: Great! You?
Her: So good! Family?
Me: Great! Yours?
Her: Good!
Me: Let’s catch up soon.
Her: Definitely! Call me.Husband: Who was that?
Me: I have no idea.
I asked when my gym membership was up and the dude said “day before Valentine’s Day” like I’m some genius who knows when Valentine’s Day is.
Found an expired condom. Oh well, still ate it anyway. Hope I don’t get sick!
NETFLIX: are your kids still watching?
ME: [clicks Continue Raising My Children]
Just once i’d like to see a chicken picking out a rotisserie person
FRIEND: Where were you?
ME: I got sick and had to rush to the doctor
FRIEND: Flu?
ME: Nah, just drove really fast
Screaming “YOU CANT OUTRUN THIS WE ARE ALL DOOMED!” at passing joggers from my window today
I just raced a Smart car. He barely beat me, but that’s only cuz I stopped to tie my shoe.
I’m convinced that my soulmate is pizza
WIFE: remember to pick him up at 5
ME: ok
[later]
ME: [dropping 3-year-old son off at daycare] see ya in 2 years, bud
As a doctor I too can prescribe up to 100 milligrams of internet a day
*checks BMI chart*
*adds “get taller” to New Year’s resolutions*
Dude that’s not a tire swing its a warning to other tires that trespass in my yard
Boss: Let’s be frank.
Me: Dibs on “Sinatra.”
“What do you get if you cross a monkey and a lion?”
I glance nervously over to the basement door, afraid she’s seen something she shouldn’t.
Just took my 3 dogs to the vet, so the family will be feasting on ramen noodles, beans, and no name chips for the next few months. At least the dogs are taken care of.
Sex is great but have you ever told some dude that there wasn’t enough room for the two of you on a very large floating door after your ship sank to the bottom of the ocean on it’s maiden voyage?
Brain: Don’t make this weird
Heart: Puts an excessive amount of ketchup on my tacos
Fool me once shame on you
Fool me 7 times you must be a car that looks like mine in the mall parking lot
School is much tougher for kids these days. Now when they don’t get their homework done they have to come up with an excuse like, “The dog ate my laptop”.
Just violently swatted an almond with a flip flop if anyone needs a hero
I’m that asshole that holds the door open for you when you’re 50 feet away. You know, so you have to run a little.