I’m on a walk with my 4 year old. There’s not another person in sight. I’ve tapped her on her far shoulder three times already and each time she’s stopped, turned around, and looked confused as hell. We’ve still got a long walk ahead–I’m going to go for the world record.
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A haunted house but for your spouse and lurking behind every corner is a larger and larger Amazon box.
My friend: Have you ever tripped on mushrooms?
Me: Yeah I’m very clumsy
Adding “and shit” to the end of a sentence to make it sound cooler and shit.
My kid’s kindergarten e-learning class is being very rude during show and tell. We worked very hard to put together this serial killer stats presentation.
What I ask my husband to buy:
Milk. Just milk.What he hears:
Some chocolate, doughnuts and trifles. Oh and milk.
[Russian class]
Um, why did I fail this test?
Teacher: You just wrote in English and added “ski” to the end of the words…
I knowski.
I couldn’t afford an engagement ring so I just poured a can of spaghettios on her hand
Sometimes when I pass by a stranger I like to whisper “I was just thinking the exact same thing”
Computer backup systems are expensive so I include “Death To America” in my email signature & the NSA backs up everything I’ve ever written.
This gonna be me in 2 weeks
The saddest thing about the digital age is the next generation won’t have that “nudie mag they found in the woods” experience. #culture
Who called it a henhouse attendant …
and not a chicken tender ?
[David Attenborough voice]
and although the female human is no longer hungry she returns once more to the fridge.
DATE: *sighs* You said you were a professional body builder.
ME: I am! I make prosthetics. Ha ha! And funny jokes! Wait where are you going?
The young witch sat atop her brand new Roomba and flew into the air.
*bumps into tree*
*turns*
*bumps into stop sign*
*turns*
You stop eating apples if your doctor is cute.
Actually the first 38 years of my childhood have been the hardest.
*appears in puff of smoke at a public pool*
“Warning, what you’re about to see may shock you!”
Hey! What are y-
*touches live wire to water*
Hot neighbor (limping): I slipped and fell on my bedroom floor this morning
Me: Haha, I saw that
Her: What?
Me: What?
Today the neighbors are blasting country music from the boom box on the back deck. Tomorrow, they’ll be looking for the boom box that used to be on their back deck.
Cop: why’d you do it?
Me: I haven’t been eating carbs and I just….I just snapped.
Cop: how long has it been since you cut out the carbs?
Me: I don’t know 30, maybe 40 minutes.
Me: Doctor, I’d like to close my own wound.
Dr: Suture self
My lifetime taco-to-salad ratio is 16413 to 1.
If you’re happy and you know it…
Watch the news.
I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again. Don’t talk to the cashier get your shit and move on. If you need someone to talk too get a parrot
honestly it’s up to you whether or not you refer to it as the Last Supper or the First Murder Mystery Dinner
This one time, a work colleague declared The Avengers to be a better film than The Dark Knight.
That was a busy day in HR, I can tell you.
FedEx would be a cool name for a restaurant for divorced couples
With the right person, there is no such thing as inappropriate behavior.
When I’m in a plane that’s full of white people, my new favourite thing to do is to spot another Sikh and shout out loudly to him “Don’t forget our mission”.