I don’t want to imply I was anything special in college but I was the president of the Ramen Club for 5 years, probably would have been 6, except my parents gave me an ultimate that I needed “to stop putzing around and graduate already.”
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I am certain at least half of all curse words in history were created while someone without ninja skills was trying to work in the same room as a housefly.
ME: The word “thief” should be spelled “theif” or we should change how it is pronounced to “thigh-ff” but “thief” always seems incorrect.
COP: While I agree with you, you are still extremely under arrest, lol.
Waking up the guy next to me on the plane to tell him to tell the stewardess not to wake me when they come around with snacks
I have a favorite Telehealth doctor I talk to a lot. I said, “I think I’m dying.” She said, “You’re not dying.” I said, “How do you know?” She said, “Because you keep calling me.”
*sliding dj $4.65 in nickels* do you have the jurassic park theme?
“What seems to be the problem, officer?”
If I died today, my boss would just hold a seance to add my ghost to some nonsense Teams call
Becoming a parent changes your whole life.
One change I was not expecting was that whenever I sit down, I release a hormone only my child can detect that causes him to ask me for something.
the main function of the little toe on your foot is to make sure that all the furniture in the house is in it’s place.
HORROR STORY- U are the only one alive in a post apocalyptic world. U tweet and it gets retweeted!
date: i want a good listener
superman: 🙂
date: who can see inner beauty
superman: 🙂
date: and looks good in glasses
clark kent: 🙂
date: wait what the hell
Saw a deer in our yard & I know it’s not a big deal but before moving our only yard wildlife was a family of city opossums & our dogs kept bringing the babies playing-dead in the house & I had to remove a lot of not-dead opossums cuz my husband is a chicken
So…a deer was nice
With the holidays upon us, please dont forget what they stand for. Family, friends & punching strangers at the mall because they cut in line
Joseph: *putting his arm around Mary* may I be the first to ever say to you ‘Merry Christmas’
Mary: *shrugging his arm off* we’re Jewish Joseph
[getting murdered]
me: are u Scottish
murderer: yes
me: then u could say i’m being kilt
[murdering intensifies]
“This is the worst karaoke bar I’ve ever been in!”
– me whenever my wife sings while driving.
I found an extra $9 in the bank! Get dressed baby we’re going to Little Caeser’s!
Examine the shadows around my eyes. They speak of loss, of longing, of doom.
Also, I buy mascara at the dollar store.
8yo: Geez Mom. Haven’t you ever heard of privacy?
Me: Not since you were born.
ME: baby, I want to turn eucalyptYOU & eucalyptME into eucalyptUS
HER: you don’t flirt much, do you?
ME: I do not
[movie trailer]
IN A WORLD OF ANIMAL NOISES
*distant oinks and moo’s*
ONE OLD MAN KNEW THEM ALL
*dramatic music*
BUT BEFORE HE WAS A MAN
*slow piano music*
BEFORE HE HAD A FARM
*flying shot of rolling hills*
HE WAS…
*extreme close up*
YOUNG MACDONALD
[coming soon]
Went to Vegas and all I came back with was 5 extra pounds and a key chain.
[watching Harry Potter in bed]
Harry: please leave
My husband has been singing Mambo Number 5 for an hour. If he keeps this up, his next tune will be Divorce Number 1.
12653.
[drunk w/ 2 kittens at a bar]
give me another
“haven’t u had enough?”
i’ll tell u when i’ve had enough!
*bartender hands me another kitten*
[heaven’s IT department]
Ok, I see why your computer’s crashing. Have you been closing doors again?
God: Yes, why?
Too many open windows
Dogs are lucky because no one cares when they bite people who antagonize them. Even after a warning, people still freak out when I do it.
Welcome to your fifties. Everyone sits down at the concerts you go to now.
According to my teenage sons the appropriate number of squirts of Axe Body Spray is somewhere between 38 and 579.