With all due respect, your kid sneezed on me first.
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Gandalf: shadowfax, show us the meaning of haste!
Frodo: sweet he’s gonna do that the whole way right?
Gandalf:
Frodo: Gandalf tell me we’re riding this horse the whole way
Gandalf: on an unrelated note how many shoes did you pack?
Wife: People are coming over tomorrow
Me: We should clean today
Wife: And keep the house clean for 24 hours?
Me: We should clean tomorrow
Cargo pants are for when you want to wear khakis, but also want to be a backpack.
*opens assassination store*
*makes a killing*
Her: [asking about movie I’m watching] Is he her husband?
Me: I’m not sure.
Her: Is that other guy her brother?
Me: Maybe?
Her: Haven’t you been watching this?
Me: Yes, but I didn’t know there would be a test.
normal person: 9+7=16
me: if 10+7 is 17 and 9 is one less than 10 then 9+7 must be 16
My cat: *jumps up onto my lap, leans into me, purrs*
Me: *smiling at him* Aww! You’re adorable! So sweet!
My cat: *slaps phone out of my hand*
HR: Punching colleagues is wrong
Me: But he drank from my mug
HR: That doesn’t allow you to—
M: I’d just filled it with gin
HR: You know alcohol is not permitt—
M: —ger beer…
HR: *high fiving me* Nice save!
I could never do polyamory not because of jealousy or anything I just don’t have it in me to keep track of more than one birthday
(Me, on my way in an Uber to a sexy party)
Uber Driver: Going to a party?
Me: Yes actually
Uber Driver: A family party?
Me: God I hope not
me: *shaking fortune cookie* will i be smart one day?
Five Guys: thats a peanut.
Banned from IKEA again because I keep asking staff awkward questions about the shelf life of shelves.
I stopped smoking cigarettes six years go.
I eat them now.
Boss: Isn’t your new job kind of a [stifling laughter] sideways move?
Crab: [to HR person] see this is what I’m talking about
me: did you know beethoven was deaf
date: the dog?
me: of course the dog
The in-laws took my kids for a sleepover giving us the first kid-free night in years. So, of course, a jackhammer started in front of our house at 7:30am
ME: I’m ok. I’m ok. It’s just cramp.
GYM INSTRUCTOR: Ok, tie your other lace and lets do this.
This quarantine is making it hard to ignore calls from people I don’t want to talk to. It’s not like I can say “Sorry mom I was at the movies.”
Arby’s also has a secret menu. If you order a “phone book” they bring you a phone book and you can find any other place to eat.
*after eating 5300 calories of chinese food in 1 sitting* is nausea a symptom of covid
[date started at 9 pm]
[9:30 pm] Her: I love long awkward silences.
[10:20 pm] Me: Me too.
A tropical depression is just like a regular depression. Except instead of being unable to get out of bed, you can’t get out of a hammock.
Looking forward to Keanu Reeves making improvements to his home in the upcoming
Matrix: Renovations
If you eat enough ice cream
your clothes will shrink. Weeeeird.
my best friend is a guy and we have a pact that if we’re both still single at 37 we’ll hunt each other for sport
Him: Your beautiful….
Me: My beautiful what? My beautiful WHAT?!!
*climbing on massage table*
Me: Okay so here’s the thing, I don’t like to be touched
There is no greater evil in this world than somebody who DMs you a picture of their moist slice of cake…knowing that you have no cake.
Me: Hi, I’d like to cancel my 8am appointment for tomorrow.
HR: For the last time, call in sick for work like a normal person!
I received a basketball in the mail from Amazon. I haven’t played basketball in 20 years but apparently drunk me thinks I’m Michael Jordan.