in movies the saddest thing a single woman can do is eat a microwave dinner, but a true rock bottom is eating a hot dog with normal bread as a bun…studios are too scared of that reality
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Hugh Laurie auditioned for the role of a British detective, but a House is not a Holmes.
I’ll never be as smart as I am in the shower.
A thousand curses upon anyone who has ever gone, “Why are you sitting in the dark?” and then flipped the light on without asking.
i’m reading this thesaurus. it’s really interesting, or should i say… very interesting.
Parenthood has made me so tired that even in my sex dreams, I’m asleep.
I went to a friend’s house and she happened to have a scale so I weighed myself and guess what I don’t like that friend anymore
My wife just opened my car door for me.
Would have been a nice gesture had we not been going 70mph.
Customer spelling her name:
Me: Is that V as in Victor or Z as in Zebra?
Her: Z as in Xylophone.And this, kids, is why education is key.
GUY ABOUT TO MURDER ME: What are you doing
ME: I’m naming you godfather to my kids. Now you get them if anything happens to me
GUY: DAMMIT
[Airport terminal]
*waits at baggage claim area*
*an entire roast pig emerges on the carousel*
*I check the tag to make sure it’s mine*
sticking my hand out the car window while driving, for science
So honored that @funTweeters chose one of my tweets! I absolutely love that site! #FF
I changed my car horn to gunshot sounds. People move out of the way much faster now.
It’s not every day Woody Harreslon writes your daughter a poem 🥹
God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot kill, the courage to blow up the things I can, and the wisdom to not get caught.
My favorite word in the English language is “Amen” because when I hear it I know you’re finally done asking Me for stupid shit.
[after drug rehab]
Jon Arbuckle: Hey Garfield
Garfield: *normal cat noises*
People that use shot glasses baffle me. Just take a swig out of the bottle like a normal person.
*controversially pours a glass of milk*
Always be yourself.
Unless you’re Monday. Monday, how about you try being like Friday for once!
I own a lot of Nike shirts for a guy who just bought a movie on iTunes so he wouldn’t have to get up and get the DVD from the other room.
Therapist: What might you say to your husband next time you’re having this communication issue?
Me: I’m sorry your parents never taught you to use your big boy words but that is not my job so get it together
Therapist: No
What woman say right before they kill you:
Wow.
Fine.
Whatever.
No problem.
I’m not mad.
Nothing’s wrong.
Sure, stay friends with your ex.
The fishmonger at our local market is always pretty unfriendly.
I’d describe him as a little standoffish.
Me: You’re going to daycare today
3: Okay
Me: We’re almost at daycare
3: Okay
Me: We’re at daycare
3: *bursts into tears*
Me: Why are you crying?!
3: I didn’t know I was going to daycare
I don’t ever use my blinker. It’s nobody’s business where I’m going.
Me: Man I love the eighties
Grandparents: We have names
I told my daughter her friend couldn’t come over today bc her Mom is a psycho, and she was on FaceTime with her friend.
“How can I help u, Bowser?”
I need a loan
“For ANOTHER castle?”
A flying castle
“U have like 24 already”
IDK HOW MARIO KEEPS FINDIN HER
AMAZON: Did you buy a watch?!
ME: Yeah, it’s-
AMAZON: You might want THIS watch!
ME: No I already-
AMAZON: ONLY WATCHES FOR YOU, FOREVERMORE