If I’m ever snowed-in somewhere hope it’s a place that serves mushroom swiss burgers.
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I’m not a narcissist.
But If I was, I would be the best one there ever was.
I won’t take any criticism on this
*Updates dating profile*
Must be within walking distance due to gas prices.
Oh, you like Five Guys hamburgers more than In-N-Out?
*unfollows
*blocks
*stews
*hires assassin on Craigslist
*unblocks to monitor situation
Me: so this is a weird photo shoot lmao
The cop who’s processing me: would you just shut up already
Cndnsd Mlk
Him: Who’s The Man?!?
Me: Usually, not the guy who says ‘Who’s the man’….
My body treating me like we’re in a relationship by giving me weird little surprises even after 37 years.
[inventing the turtle] put the worst dinosaur in an army helmet
One of my new rescue dogs is really into laying on the couch and watching FRIENDS.
I think he’s my soulmate.
COP: Know why I pulled you over?
ME: Because I don’t think Die Hard is a Christmas movie?
COP: *drawing weapon* Don’t move you son of a-
Why does watching a movie with the kids mean constantly having to remind them I didn’t write the script?
If there were Doritos on the tree in the garden of Eden, they would not have had to wait for the snake. Adam and Eve would have eaten those things first day. They would have known all about good and evil.
I had professional respect for you but then you said “recognizance” when you meant ‘reconnaissance.’
I haven’t cleaned my shower in so long, it’s becoming a terrarium. Absolutely gorgeous.
I have a horrible memory, unless we’re discussing something you did wrong.
Legit call from the school:
Principal: I just wanted to touch base with you. Your daughter was baiting seagulls into the playground with gummy worms and actually caught one; Like in her arms. It did bite her—not hard, but I needed to inform you that we filed an incident report
[comes home from a day away]
Kids: Guess what we did today?!?
Me: Played monopoly, ate pizza, painted, cut paper, had ice cream.
Kids: How’d you know?!?
Me: *looking at everything out* Lucky guess
you haven’t truly known fear until a long-forgotten furby in the back of your bedroom closet starts screaming in an australian accent at 3am
Any beach is a nude beach if you drink enough alcohol
Tried to type “I’m on my way” and autocorrect changed it to “I’m in my way” and that is probably way more accurate.
*Squatting over cat litter box*
Husband: What the fu-
Me: THERE’S A SPIDER IN THE BATHROOM
DELIVERY GUY: Here’s your 3 toppings pizza.
ME: Sorry, I don’t have enough left to tip you.
DELIVERY GUY: Then why didn’t you just order 2 toppings?
ME: *reluctantly hands him the pepperoni*
friend: edible kick in?
me [washing my hands]: not yet
friend [turns on faucet]: you sure?
1985: “I hope we’ll have flying cars in the future!”
2017: “I just used the flashlight on my cell phone to look for spiders under my bed.”
British people react to the @BBC posting baseball content on twitter… 😭
How to shape your eyebrows
A thread
the movie? well… her name is Bella, she’s torn between a hawt werewolf and some kinda disco ball vampire
ME: I’m anti-murder
MURDERER: Wow, that’s narrow-minded
I’ve spent my whole life trying to find a girl with a psychiatric disorder that makes her think she’s a woodpecker.
*returning from an epic vacation of cool sightseeing, yummy foods, gorgeous hikes, stunning beaches, abundant wildlife, etc.*
Teacher: How was your vacation?
My son: A human pooped on the sidewalk.