As a mother, I knew one day I would have to deal with the issue of bullying. I just didn’t think it would happen so soon and to my fish.
If it wasn’t for doing triple jump in high school, I wouldn’t be able to put on jeans.
My 3yo and 4yo are screaming at each other about privacy. Isn’t it ironic?
Quarantine Day 23: Today the kids and I made shivs…fine, we sharpened pencil crayons for a craft. But by the end of it, I definitely felt like stabbing someone.
Dad: My mom warned me that nothing good ever happens after midnight.
Doctor: Sir, do you want to cut your baby’s umbilical cord or not?
Lube but for my dry humor.
Me: What did you do at school today?
4yo: Nothing
M: You must have done something.
4: I don’t remember.
[Bedtime]
M: Goodnight.
4: Wait.
*Spends the next two hours telling me about his day in excruciating detail followed by a philisophical Q&A session*
Doctor: You need to cut out orange juice in the morning.
Me: Because of all the sugar?
D: No, because of all the champagne.
When you have kids, finding a marker lid in your house is like finding a pin without the grenade attached.
Him: Remember life before kids? We were making moves, taking chances, paid for everything in cash. Ya, we made a few bad investments & did jail time, but man, we had fun!
Her: Are you talking about Monopoly?
Him: Yes. The kids suck at it & I always have to be the thimble!
My family lived on such a tight budget growing up that whenever there was a light at the end of the tunnel, my dad would turn it off.
Facebook: Nothing is private
Twitter: Everything is privates
Give a man a fish, and you feed him for a day. Feed a man to the fishes, and you’ll never have to share your food again.