We haven’t seen the full damage this epidemic will cause, that will happen in about five to seven months with all of the gender reveal parties.
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Dear 6-year-old me: As an adult you won’t need to know cursive but you will need an ability to type with your thumbs. The future is weird.
Answering all the ‘how r u’ DM’s with ‘I got my period’ is going surprising well
I heard a girl telling people that when you cook French toast, you’re supposed toast the bread first and we can’t just be letting people go around spreading this kind of hateful misinformation
You enter. “I’ve been expecting you,” I say from behind the massive swivel chair. I put too much leg into turning around & spin for 5 mins.
I took my family out to an authentic Vietnamese place. My wife and I had pho. The kids sewed Nikes for 14 hours and were beaten. Great pho.
I’m pretty sure the dude in the stall next to me is giving birth to a Hummer
Hot girls who complain that you can’t get laid… do you live on a deserted island?
murderer: *stabbing me*
me: 🙂
murderer: doesn’t it hurt?
me: i’m used to it i have a cat :’)
grandpa: you kids don’t know how tough life was back when-
me: grandpa if you ate a single Flamin’ Hot Cheeto you would die immediately please check your tone
I’m in a really bad place right now*
*in my neighbor’s driveway “stealing” my doordash that was delivered to the wrong house
Customize Your Wedding.
{the invention of maple syrup}
So, Jacques, have you ever sucked a tree?
banned from the local bowling alley for softly moaning when i put my fingers in the ball
Nuff said? No seriously, what did Nuff say?
I thought I liked salads…turns out, I like croutons and ranch dressing.
Shout out to that lifeguard who recommended moving the potato to the front of my speedo
The Compass
And I’m not saying Big Foot is real or not real or bashing anyone’s beliefs. All I can say about that is if Big Foot suddenly shows up at my house, I’m not wasting time with photos. I’d just ask if he knows anything about plumbing or electrical.
Whenever I’m upset with my dog for acting up, I remind her which one of us is the owner and then we laugh and laugh.
I wore a training bra for years and these things still don’t listen to a word I say
Me: I can’t believe I’m only discovering Fleetwood Mac now.
Girlfriend: I’ve heard Rumours
Me: No, it’s true Sandra. They’re an actual band.
Got him!
starting to think my starbucks boyfriend is asking other girls their name too.
How come cats make the only sexy Halloween costumes? What’s wrong with a sexy llama or a sexy sloth or something?
During lockdown, while many other artists are doing mini-concerts from their homes, I thought I’d do you all a favour and not.
me: aren’t you too old for a high chair
lifeguard: please go away
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A shock absorber sounds like something you need for when you’re watching the news.