“What does the fox say?” Whatever the Rupert Murdoch tells it to.
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when you are just born a rebel
my friend who moved to kentucky asked me what the average price of homes were in my area, so I told him about $850k & he said “that’s insane, do u know what u can buy for $850k in kentucky?” and I was like “probably kentucky”
*shaves, waxes lip, plucks eyebrows*
Okay, weigh me now.
Interviewer: Do you mind explaining why you’re late?
Me: I didn’t want to give you the false impression that I’ll always be early.
Anytime I am searching the stock room at work and a coworker asks “Looking for something?” I jump out of my skin, and its not from them sneaking up on me, it’s b/c that’s what villains says when they have something you need, or they’ve caught you trying to escape their evil lair
Your name is Jeff with a G? Jeffg? Ok
Has anyone tried lighting a fall scented candle to fix 2020 yet?
The recipe said “prick with a fork,” but enough about me.
I didn’t know about mascara, I thought girls just cried ink like squids.
Me (young, foolish): refrigerator may I have a few ice cubes?
Refrigerator (old, wise): one or one-thousand, there is no few
A popsicle stick makes a great bookmark. But eat the popsicle first. Don’t make the same mistake I did.
I’m walking on sunshine, AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH and I’m startin’ to feel
AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH THIS IS TERRIBLE
*pets your eyebrows*
there, there caterpillar; everything will be ok
9: I want a little personal drone that I can fly in.
Me: That would be a plane.
9: No like a drone with the blades on top that I can get in.
Me: So, a helicopter then.
9: No no small like a drone.
Me: …..
My 5 year old is looking all over the house for his drumsticks but he won’t have any luck finding them without a shovel.
The difference between a motel and a hotel is about $200.
me: the best things in life are free!
lawyer: again, I don’t think the bank you robbed sees it that way
Doc gave me new meds & I forgot what he said to do with the old meds so been taking em all and boy o boy what a day.
I hate killing bugs so instead I spend hours trying to get it in a cup so I can toss it outside after accidentally taking off 3 of its legs.
I don’t trust people with glasses, they could be superman
Know your customer. Think like an idiot.
Relax, this is my emotional support knife.
interviewer: how would u describe yourself
me: unemployed
*sets up 10 security questions for online account*
*clicks on “remember me”*
my doctor asked if it burns when I pee. I said only when it gets in my eyes.
[Deleting all work emails]
THESE DON’T BRING ME JOY!
Someone asked me if I’m ever scared that I’ll be alone forever, which I thought was so rude because my cat was right there.
When your spouse comes to you excited about a toilet seat, it’s best to remind yourself this person will most likely decide when to pull your life support plug someday so you get excited with them about that toilet seat.
jesus: and take this foot, for it is my lasagna
peter: ok let’s get you home
Dracula: I vant to suck your blood
Me: well technically, no — you don’t suck what you’re drinking. You want to suck my NECK
Dracula: vhoa