my physical therapist told me to do yoga in the cold to get rid of my pain. she called it frozen yog-hurt
oh yeah… you like music? name three instruments
i watch horror movies on the toilet so i can be scared shitless
first date idea we walk around a graveyard and guess how people died
food for thought? no bro im hungry. food for stomach
I forgot my therapist’s name so I just call him Dude
yeah jesus turned water to wine, but yankee doodle turning a feather in a hat to macaroni is next level
Head and Shoulders should make a body wash called ‘Knees and Toes’
talking to animals doesn’t make you crazy, hearing them talk back does
We’re actual apes on a rock hurling through space right now, and that’s why I’m not giving you my email to buy this
*Me making playground small talk with other parents*
“Congrats on the sex bro”
Everyday is talk like a pirate day if you’re committed and annoying enough
Handing out one tic tac each this Halloween so that children can learn that life is full of little disapointments
Finally, a month dedicated to nut allergy awareness.
If you can’t beat em, don’t join em, just use a bigger hammer.