Before you make fun of older folks, just remember we know where ALL the bathrooms are
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Just try to look at your shoes the same way ever again,your welcome.
Party Tip:
At a 3-year-old’s birthday party, you can piss all over the bathroom. ALL OVER!!!! Nobody will suspect you.
ME: it’s time for bed
*3 ducks excitedly appear at my window*
ME: bed guys, B E D
*3 ducks dejectedly disappear from my window*
Did you know stuffing your bra with toilet paper works pretty well…
except when it rains.
No horror movie will ever be as scary as the sight of the water going up instead of down when I flush the toilet.
My 6yo has invented this new thing called “dessert for lunch” and it basically means he can have ice cream after lunch because he’s definitely gonna eat all his dinner. Definitely.
Trevor eventually flunked out of dentistry school
Son: I’m gay, dad.
Dad: no I’m gay dad
Dad #2: no I’m gay dad
COWORKER: you got like 8 hickeys. Must’ve been a fun weekend haha
ME (remembering not to talk about octopus fight club): yea it got pretty wild
I just left a pregnancy test box in my brother’s bathroom to mess with him and his new girlfriend.
I just know I will die trying to pet something I shouldn’t.
Hey man do you like my costume? You only need photographic memories of every movie scene you’ve ever watched to get it.
I bought the wrong kind of compass. Now I’m lost in the middle of nowhere drawing perfect circles.
I’ve been watching HGTV with my wife for the past two hours, and just once – just ONCE – I would like to see a couple looking for a home who hates entertaining.
me: do you serve crabs here?
waiter: yes, we do
my crab: *taking off his jacket* finally
cat guru: ask yourself – what is the sound of a hairless cat coughing up a hairball
OMG 🤣🤣
Cop – “Sir are your trafficking these children?”
Me – “No sir, they are my children.”
Cop – “ Then why are they screaming ‘HELP HELP, get me out!’ as loud as they can?”
Me – “Sorry, there was a fly in the car.”
Cop – “EWW, A FLY!!!”
I think this is my favorite scene in a movie
While I was finally sleeping peacefully (adjusting to the 6 hr time diff), my husband got up, knocked over a suitcase, accidentally turned on every light in this hotel room, went to the bathroom, and then came back to bed and fell immediately back to sleep. So, I’m AWAKE NOW.
Any driver who sees this will immediately crash.
12: What’s in cocktail sauce?
Me: It’s basically horseradish and ketchup mixed together. It’s good, try it.
12: *makes face* You lost me at horse.
[Donald Trump’s election speech]
“America, I have only 1 thing to say”
*pulls off wig & mask revealing Ashton Kutcher*
“YOU’VE BEEN PUNK’D”
My 4yo asked me for a ninja shaped pancake. I made her a circle because that’s all my pancake making skill level allows me to make. She was like, “umm… where’s the ninja??” So I told her that it’s so fast you can’t see it and she said “wow! Thanks mom!” Lmao
Happy with my life but also open to the possibility of a crow picking me up like a french fry and carrying me away
My editor dislikes my use of contractions but it’s what it’s
Either this rapid COVID test is defective or I didn’t pee on it long enough.
FUN FACT:
Scientists have proven, there IS in fact life outside the United States.
I only share nudes on the off chance that person is a doctor and can spot a weird mole.
Affordable healthcare, bb!
It used be called “talking to yourself” but the new term for it is “podcasting”.