*spelling bee*
“Your word is disaster.”
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
“That outfit you’re wearing looks like a natural disaster.”
You Might Also Like
I’m upstairs and the food is downstairs. Send help.
My son told me he couldn’t wait to grow up…
So I took out my vitamin day of the week organizer and explained every one. Next we discussed every body cream I have. Then we paid bills for the month. He was crying at this point so we had ice cream while we did meal planning.
Girl you are his 9th twitter girlfriend in 2 years, he’s not your soulmate.
*At the local breakfast restaurant
Server: And how would you like your eggs, sir?
Me: Reese’s
I would describe the cologne on the guy who was just in the elevator with me as “all of it.”
Through the drive thru speaker: would you like to try the chicken club
Me: [ imagining chickens getting down on the dance floor ] hell yes I would
*Password must be hard to guess*
New Password: H0neyWhatDoYouWantForDinner?
a ladybug has entered the household. and i. am on my way to introduce myself
Luke is so old now he just uses the Force to keep the neighborhood kids off his lawn
Fun Fact: Baby powder’s ingredients include baby brothers and sisters who acted up.
A brightly-colored van drives slowly down our street. Kids gather excitedly. It is the Edible Arrangements truck. We are all betrayed.
When a couple pause their relationship & take a break from each other it’s called an ihatus.
If I had a time machine I’d take 17 dollars to 1901 and buy several luxurious homes. Related: does anyone have a time machine and 17 dollars
Me (naked): This feels amazing.
My boss: Maybe you should take the day off.
I don’t understand why this loan manager won’t get behind my dream of becoming a sugar daddy.
*goes to grocery store*
*puts picture of my missing keys on all the milk cartons*
Apparently this Walmart cashier only brushes her favorite teeth.
One day my GPS is gonna say, “You should know this one by now” and shut off.
When I was a teenager, nobody told me about incense. So every time I smoked pot, I covered up the smell by cooking a whole meatloaf.
What’sApp
Me: Mom, what’s for dinner?
Mom : typing …*gets married*
*have kids*
*gets old*
*dies*
*goes to hell*Mom: Fish, honey!
You know you’re old when you see how many women Pete Davidson has been dating and your first thought is “he must be so tired”
I once challenged Snoop Dogg to a rap battle and the loser had to change their name.
Whenever Im in trouble, I think, What would Jesus do?
Then I pretend to be dead and disappear for 3 days.
Kevin, children are allowed to order pizzas. You don’t have to make the delivery guy think he’s being shot at by gangsters. For christ sake.
My wife wants me to go to Zumba with her. I am hopeful that this is a place to get burritos.
At the age where a big break could mean either my career or a hip
Didn’t realize my teen was annoyed with me until she ordered a Coke at lunch even though we’re a Pepsi family.
My house isn’t messy.
It’s ‘Picasso-ish’.
The teachers could tell my wife & I were embarrassed by our son’s grades when we showed up to conferences with paper bags on our heads.
People on Twitter trying to one-up you in the comments like:
“Oh, someone close to you died? Well I’m in the process of saying my last wor-“