Some of my best eBay purchases were bought when I was high.
Except that Batgirl costume this one time (at band camp)…Chaffing.
That’s all I’m saying…
My New Year’s resolutions:
1. Stop making lists.
B. Be more consistent.
7. Learn to count.
Me: “Can I leave work half an hour early?”
Boss: “Only if you make up the time.”
“OK. It’s 35 past 50.”
Boss: “Just go..”
I’d love to have a sex change. Preferably from ‘none’ to ‘absolutely shitloads’.
“Did you realise that a woman’s “I’ll be ready in five minutes” and a man’s “I’ll be home in five minutes” are exactly the same?”
Cigarettes are a lot like hamsters. Perfectly harmless until you put one in your mouth and light it on fire.
I’ve found that I can usually judge how hot a woman is by how many times my girlfriend calls her a whore.
Whenever I can’t sleep at night I dig a hole in the backyard to keep the neighbors guessing.
If my ex taught me one thing it’s that women don’t like it when you sneak in their bedroom to watch them sleep after you’ve divorced.