Mortal Kombat: FINISH HIM
Immortal Kombat: omg this is taking forever
wife: are you still reading that stupid dorothy and scarecrow wizard of oz fan fiction
me: i’ll have you know 50 shades of hay is a true literary masterpiece
gorilla glue and jurassic park are trending, this might be how godzilla vs kong starts
godzilla: lol KING kong, a little pretentious aren’t we
king kong: oh you’re one to talk
nothing kills high school nostalgia faster than a scroll down your facebook feed
shark tank judge: nobody is going to want to buy your ghost pants
me: just wait, this time next year, boo khakis are gonna be everywhere!
bartender: what’s wrong with you
best man: they kicked me out because i dropped the mike after the wedding toast
bartender: well that’s excessive-
best man: mike is the groom
scrooge: who are you
ghost: i’m the ghost of christmas present
scrooge: so santa claus
ghost: NOT THAT KIND OF PRESENT
Pacifist? No, I think all oceans are beautiful
me: you take your job a little too seriously
bouncer: *jumping up and down* what
[first day selling houses]
me: shits about to get realty
is the plural of judas judasses or judi
my wife said she was trash, so i said that must make me an opossum, and i think we just renewed our vows
[walking into a store on september 1st]
employee: MERRY CHRISTMAS!