
my wife said she was trash, so i said that must make me an opossum, and i think we just renewed our vows

therapist: and when do you think your trust issues started
me: when I found out all the skittles are the same flavor
therapist: wait, what

[walking into a store on september 1st]
employee: MERRY CHRISTMAS!

moses: 9 commandments, goddamn that’s a lot of rules
god: OH NO YOU DIDN’T

crossbreed every type of dog until all you’re left with is an everything beagle

shepherd: SWEET CAROLINE
sheepdog: god i hate this guy
sheep: BAH BAH BAH
sheepdog: ok i hate all of you

them: says here you’ll be dueling aaron bear
alexander hamilton: lol that’s funny typo
*distant roar*
alexander hamilton: wait.

lawyer: your honor, I request a side bar
judge: granted. *cracks open a beer*

So my wife doesn’t like the new shampoo she bought. I’ll give you two guesses who’s gonna be smelling like cucumber melon for the next five weeks.

me: hey man you ready to go?
goku: hold on I gotta charge my phone
me:
goku: AHHHHHHHHHH
me: almost done?
goku: AHHHHHHHHHH
me: son of a-
[On the next episode of…]