my wife said she was trash, so i said that must make me an opossum, and i think we just renewed our vows
therapist: and when do you think your trust issues started
me: when I found out all the skittles are the same flavor
therapist: wait, what
[walking into a store on september 1st]
employee: MERRY CHRISTMAS!
moses: 9 commandments, goddamn that’s a lot of rules
god: OH NO YOU DIDN’T
crossbreed every type of dog until all you’re left with is an everything beagle
shepherd: SWEET CAROLINE
sheepdog: god i hate this guy
sheep: BAH BAH BAH
sheepdog: ok i hate all of you
them: says here you’ll be dueling aaron bear
alexander hamilton: lol that’s funny typo
alexander hamilton: wait.
lawyer: your honor, I request a side bar
judge: granted. *cracks open a beer*
So my wife doesn’t like the new shampoo she bought. I’ll give you two guesses who’s gonna be smelling like cucumber melon for the next five weeks.
me: hey man you ready to go?
goku: hold on I gotta charge my phone
me: almost done?
me: son of a-
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