@IndecisiveJones

my wife said she was trash, so i said that must make me an opossum, and i think we just renewed our vows

@IndecisiveJones

therapist: and when do you think your trust issues started

me: when I found out all the skittles are the same flavor

therapist: wait, what

@IndecisiveJones

moses: 9 commandments, goddamn that’s a lot of rules

god: OH NO YOU DIDN’T

@IndecisiveJones

crossbreed every type of dog until all you’re left with is an everything beagle

@IndecisiveJones

shepherd: SWEET CAROLINE

sheepdog: god i hate this guy

sheep: BAH BAH BAH

sheepdog: ok i hate all of you

@IndecisiveJones

them: says here you’ll be dueling aaron bear

alexander hamilton: lol that’s funny typo

*distant roar*

alexander hamilton: wait.

@IndecisiveJones

lawyer: your honor, I request a side bar

judge: granted. *cracks open a beer*

@IndecisiveJones

So my wife doesn’t like the new shampoo she bought. I’ll give you two guesses who’s gonna be smelling like cucumber melon for the next five weeks.

@IndecisiveJones

me: hey man you ready to go?

goku: hold on I gotta charge my phone

me:

goku: AHHHHHHHHHH

me: almost done?

goku: AHHHHHHHHHH

me: son of a-

[On the next episode of…]