A water park, but it’s just the bathroom counter after my kids brush their teeth
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That worked out so much differently in my head.
– an autobiography
Hansel and Gretel is my favorite story about eating children.
If your entire outfit can be purchased at a gas station it’s not appropriate for court.
While removing a cat hair from my phone screen I accidentally closed three windows, downloaded two apps, made an unwanted Amazon purchase, and texted my boss a Chuck Norris meme.
Last night, we decided to play UNO as a family & wouldn’t you know it’s the perfectly named game because it only took playing one round for my kids to hate each other
I always strip to the waist when I quit a job.
Guy waking up in saw trap if Saw was British: right. what’s all this then
“What if it makes me look stupid,” she said redundantly.
Girl: I will literally **kill** you
Tall guy: that is adorable, ilysm my lil beansprout
Short king (unsheathing his samurai sword): so it’s come to this
Me: I can’t get this damn sports bra on!
Him:
Me:
Him: that’s a plastic produce bag
Me: I FOUND IT IN THE MELON SECTION!
[airplane strafes the ground with machine guns]
Mozzarella: *checks self* I’m OK.
Cheddar: Me too! That was close, eh Swiss? …Swiss?
VICTIM: First time murdering? I have a suggestion.
ME (sharpening my gun): Go on.
Its ridiculous that Wile E. Coyote is remembered for his anger issues and not for his amazing & realistic paintings of fake tunnels.
My biggest fear is getting a 200 page email that ends with “Thoughts?”
Kids want pizza. Husband wants pizza.
I want Cracker Barrel. I’m driving so shut up and eat your meatloaf.
I don’t care what nutritionists tell you- tortilla chips ARE a meal. It has everything your body needs:
1.) Tortilla chips
I used to pretend I could read because it made my sister so mad that I could do something she couldn’t. Of course, my older cousin, who could read, looked over my shoulder and said “you’re just making up that story” and my sister to this day, still DOESN’T believe I CAN read!
Yelp review: Excellent food, friendly service. That said, I did notice a smudge on a window and was forced to set the building on fire
If you watch home alone backwards it’s about kid who tortures two strangers then his family comes home and yells at him
This is the dumbest apocalypse ever
Always a massive red flag than when a guy lists “The Art of War” as one of his favorite books. It’s like, you’re an accountant, Brent, you’re not Tyrion Lannister
The guy I paid to pave my driveway hasn’t shown up in two weeks.
I’m not worried tho. I’m sure he’ll resurface one day.
The most I’ve ever paid for sex was ‘marriage.’
A legal holiday weekend implies the existence of an illegal holiday weekend
Titanic, but with literally thousands of cats.
I admit I’m not very handy, but there are many other areas in which I also do not excel.
Her: so yeah i’m a palaeontologist, it means i know a lot about dinosaurs basically, do you have a favourite dinosaur?
Me: *visibly sweating* umm…umm…REPTAR.
Her: …
Me: …
Her: …like…like from rugrats?
Me: …he had a wagon
Me, losing my shit:
Heeere shitty, shitty, shitty!
If I had two bathrooms I’d tell everyone someone died in one, I ain’t tryna clean two bathrooms
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