I know I sound like a broken record but tomorrow I’ll sound like a misfiring engine and, next week, continuous loud television static.
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How am I supposed to sleep now that I’ve realized 125 people have watched a video of me drunkenly making nachos?
…. And they didn’t even like it.
[making out]
her: did u bring protection
me: yes
her: where is it
me: hey Frank
[voice from under bed] yeah boss?
i’m cautious about following people back these days because i follow when they look normal and next week they’re banging horses
With every passing day the gap between being a negligent cook and being an arsonist gets a little smaller. Soon I should be able to take out a whole block with a strategic “trying this new egg recipe.”
The next wave of scammers will have old people call you
Night terrors are cool and all, but why wait?
Y’all will never guess what her husband bought her. I’m hollering!!
I contain multitudes, Elizabeth
It’s a bird.
It’s a plane.
No its…“Steve, you’re fired. Air traffic control just isn’t for you.”
Yeah I have only 2 friends but guess what. Quality over quantity. And are my 2 friends good? Absolutely not,
“Be a deer, would ya” she says, mounting your head on the wall.
Watching Jaws with my 6 year old because I’m sick of going to the beach
2016 took so many beautiful, talented men I’ve loved my entire life. Seems unfair that I still have to dodge my ex at the grocery store.
My cat, an idiot: Those ornaments look exactly like my toys. Why can’t I play with them?
Me, pinnacle of animals: That felt frog wearing a top hat is to celebrate The Lord
[1st day at work]
BOSS: Erm..we..have No Smoking rules hereME: That’s great Alan [blows out smoke] most places have loads of smoking rules
What do the films Titanic and 6th Sense have in common?
Icy dead people….. please don’t unfollow me
At noon, we ride.*
*start the dishwasher and sort the laundry.
Cute Internet Girl: This guy is pretty funny, I think I’ll fol-
Me: *Human Cannonballs my way into her living room* HELLO!
[crab overhears the words ‘crab cakes’]
*applauds with tiny crab clawed excitement* oooh cakes for crabs
[crab sees the crab cakes]
oh no. oh god no.
I was having a political fight with someone on Twitter while my dog was out back barking at the wind.
Then we switched.
My ex is having a baby. Ummmm obsessed with me much? I used to be a baby…
Too embarrassed to buy “skinny jeans”?
Simply buy normal jeans and put on a shitload of weight.
[feeding baby Malaysian food]
“Here comes the plane”
*makes plane noises**spoon just disappears*
*spills drink*
dammit these are my april pants
Oh, you’re a politician? Name all the politics
BREAKING: Emotionally disturbed man gets into Trump Tower.
He was stopped by security, but not before being named a senior advisor.
Tammy is short for Tamuel
Cell Phone Manufacturers: We’re gonna release a brand new more advanced model.
Apple: We’re gonna release this shit in White. WHITE.
Sometimes I have hope for future generations, but then I watch a high school student pick a booger on a Zoom call.
Couldn’t remember my cute doctor’s name so I just called him