An air mattress is great when you want to sleep on the floor but not right away.
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Dude at Starbucks just left the crowded store and went “Bye everyone,” and every single person in that store said goodbye I literally just met the main character
“Look we LOVE the script for ‘Murder Bees’, just change the name to ‘My Girl’ and you’ve got yourself a movie!!”
Me: What do you call a tailor that only alters pants? A slacker.
Cop: Please exercise your right to remain silent.
I only went to medical school to figure out where your arms are supposed to go when you sleep and they didn’t even teach us that… so now what
Me: I’m going to be healthy
Breakfast: fruit
Lunch: sandwich
Dinner: salad
Midnight: large pizza, mac & cheese, a gallon of ice cream
Netflix: (every 45 seconds) aRe YoU StiLL wAtcHiNg ???
Netflix when you fall asleep on the couch: *somehow plays 18 episodes in a row*
Livid.
“Why did you threaten to hit that scuba diver with your canoe paddle?”
“He was putting on airs”.
Just installed the iOS 9 update and I’ve already noticed a significant increase in my phone’s battery life! This is aweso
I saw some martial arts guy on TV do one of those spinning kick things and, honestly, it looked pretty easy.
What I’m trying to say is I need an ambulance.
What idiot called it “leaving right after sex” and not “nuts and bolts”?
Comic 🥺👉👈💗❤️🔥
Re-reading Wuthering Heights is a great reminder that 150 years ago, if you, say, sprained an ankle at a neighbor’s house, you just lived there for five weeks until it healed.
Jesus has returned! He’s in my DMs asking for Amazon gift cards and has terrible grammar. But it’s TOTALLY him.
OK…so naked running…
Apparently this means running without GPS, music, and any other tech.
I wish I knew this an hour ago.
Oh, and send bail money.
[first day working for IKEA]
Customer: one nightstand please
Me: sorry, I’m married
You don’t know awkward and uneasy until you’ve seen the way I hold a cat.
Me: I set a record for the rope climb in high school.
4-year-old: You climbed it the fastest?
My wife: He cried the most.
me: *offering joint* wanna hit
giraffe:
me: nvm ur already high lol
[later]
scientist: first time we’ve seen a giraffe eat a human
Why are holiday dinners always so early. “Come over dinner is at 1 o’clock”
[trying to stop my toddler’s tantrum in a restaurant]
*harsh whisper* If you don’t cut it out right now then there’s nothing else I can do
Him: *seeing my apartment for the first time* I see you’re kind of a minimalist
Me: yes that is correct, I am very poor
11 famous chickens who flew the coop, number 7 will surprise you
– cluckbait
My new neighbour is breaking the law by making noise every night after 11. Do I call the police for this or confront the newborn directly?
For newbies
DOM – means Dominos
SUB – means subwayalways here to help! All day 👍
omg we watched the muppet movie for the first time tonight and my 8yo says “oh, kermit! I like him because he’s from all those memes” as if kermit just appeared one day drinking tea saying but that’s none of my business
Nurse at the doctor’s office took my blood pressure, and I swear she was one pump away from hearing my safe word.
{Thomas Edison prank call}
Is your refrigerator running?
“Yes..”
YOU’RE WELCOME!
*click*
I’m feeling very anxious i think this 7th mug of coffee will take the edge off
*Knocks on Misery’s door*
Me: Hey! I heard you love company.
Misery *through mail slot*: not you