*comes into work with black eye* oh please I’m fine guys! But you shoulda seen the other guy. He was a cabinet door that i walked into
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It’s getting harder and harder for movie theatres to compete with home viewing options. They need to adapt to stay relevant. One suggestion: if you zone out and miss what’s happening you should be able to yell at the projectionist and get them to rewind the movie for you a bit
ME: Wow I have to print this document right now
PRINTER: Like, right right now?
I want my morning coffee to give the same amount of energy that my kids get when they hear me say it’s bedtime.
Some of my friends have really unattractive children and I don’t say a word I just carry this heavy cross
[having sex with centaur]
ME: *man that fortune cookie was spooky accurate*
I tried a vegan recipe book last night. It was much tastier than any of the recipes in it.
I was voted ‘Worlds Worst Bartender’ for my very unpopular tuna daiquiris.
If you think the world revolves around you, you’re either a narcissist or a terrible astronomer.
if you tell your guests your house was just broken into and fake cry they will clean it for free
Look I wanna be friendly, but you have to introduce yourself to me 3-5 times in the wild
BREAKING: Epstein autopsy reveals his teeth had become piano keys, consistent with death by piano drop
I once walked out of a movie because the actor’s fake typing was so bad.
COP: Do you realize you were speeding back there?
ME: Can you be sure it wasn’t just the planet slowing down?
COP: I’m listening
Just farted loudly outside my office before checking to see if anyone was nearby. Nobody was. It’s called the #edge, & I am #livin on it
When it says “fussy” and “cries excessively” on the medical form, are they asking about me or the baby?
My kid told me her toy tarantula and bat had babies and I’ll never sleep again
Wife: “If I die first, I want you to remarry.”
Me: “Wow. Do you really hate me that much?”
Terminator: Come with me if you want to live.
Me: No.
if anyone is picking on you, it’s really themselves they have a problem with, I promise
Replace his deodorant with a glue stick so he thinks of you every time he tries to raise his arm to put around the shoulders of another girl
Twitter is cool because you can sit in your underwear and talk to friends and if you try that in real life you will no longer be allowed within 500 feet of ANY Starbucks
Yelling at a dog to stop barking doesn’t work because the dog just goes “Cool, now we’re both barking!”
– Boss, we’re out of hands. Should we give the penguins wings?
– We’re short on wings too. Give them this.
– But that’s neither wings nor hands.
– Not our problem.
Face ID always wanting me to suppress my emotions this is a toxic relationship
I love medieval baby paintings because they either look like a baby who has done crossfit since birth or that creepy middle aged dude who sells drugs at the end of my street
“Are you mad at me?”
No. Why? Should I be?? Did you do something??? WHAT DID YOU DO????
Like my mama always said, “May you be in heaven a full half hour before the devil knows you’re dead.”
911: What’s your emergency?
Me: Hunting accident. I think my friend is dead
911: Can you verify that he’s dead?
*gunshot*
Me: Yep, he’s dead
[Parisian restaurant, breakfast]
Me: I hear you do the best toasted Cheese & Ham here
Server: That’s a croque monsieur
M: Oh that’s a shame, I’ll have a croissant instead then please