Relationship status: Page 7 of @funTweeters
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[Attorney’s office]
*checked box for cremation*
*signed last will and testament*Guess I just made an ash out of myself.
Wife: *rolls eyes*
Did he also sign the DNR?
Lions do NOT share. If you try to give them half a hoagie, they will take it, plus your half, plus your arm, plus I am inside a lion.
Guten Morgen. What do you call an angry German mob?
Sauer crowd.
You know you’re old when the “I’ve fallen and I can’t get up” ads aren’t funny anymore.
In case you wanted to mess with me, just know I went 10 for 10 at trivia last night on the round about famous female killers.
Coworker: can I talk to you about your Twitter
Me, hand on the fire alarm:
Coworker: I think you’re funny
Me, removing hand from fire alarm: yes
I was eliminated as a contestant on Fear Factor after running screaming from a bee.
children are a fun way to combine the impetuous insanity of a dog with the murderous disdain of a cat
Dog kids: ughhh, homework for dinner again?
Dog mom: I had to wait outside his bedroom for three hours for him to fall asleep so I could steal this, you ungrateful little shits.
7 year old neighbor informed me that they weren’t feelin’ my musical tastes this morning, so I’m not feeling giving him a ride anymore
Hear me out: A sensor on the back of your car that detects a tailgater and shines a blinding light in their stupid lil eyeballs.
Who called it anxiety and not revenge of the nerves?
If the office coffee pot doesn’t have to work until it’s banged on the counter neither do I
is this meant to deter me
I’m not saying breakfast tacos are the cure but I’ve had breakfast tacos every day for 2 weeks and I’m COVID19 free, you do the math.
All we want is to get laid and for no one to touch our cell phones.
Told my kids to get rid of toys they don’t play with, so if you hear a commotion it’s just them desperately playing with every toy they own.
me: I want to buy some drugs
dealer: are you a cop
me: would I get a discount
Have you ever accidentally ended a business call with “I love you?” Oh yeah me neither.
Me: who’s a good dog? who’s a good dog?
Dog: i have a boyfriend
Good foods can release dopamine which the brain can interpret as attraction and totally unrelated I made you some chicken parm & fried risotto balls & crispy grilled potatoes & baked you this cake. And an apple pie & cookies and I baked you a loaf of bread for no reason at all
when i find out there’s a cat at the party but they’re locked in the bedroom
I am SO DONE WITH MEN. Most of them, anyway. At least one of them. I am SO DONE WITH AT LEAST ONE OF THE MEN.
if harambe happened today it would be like the 40th thing down in the news. it wouldn’t even make the ticker
Normal adult questions:
– who, what, when, where, why, howNormal 3 year old questions:
– why
– why
– why
– why
– why
– why
– why
– why
Sometimes music can transport you to a place where you just SHIT THAT WAS MY EXIT BACK THERE.
Hi kids I’m Keanu Reeves here to tell you that speed is never cool unless you’re a professional SWAT member on a bus that’s about to blow up
Yeah, I experimented in college. I tried beet chips.
Guys, I had to book a flight for my grandma, and according to her passport, she’s born in February, not July, as we have always celebrated. Asked, she said: “Well, you can’t celebrate garden parties in February.”
O_o
[grocery store]
Meat department: 7 people will all try to help you at the same time, they are very excited about this
Rest of the store: reportedly one person works here but he has not been heard from since 1989. His name is Gary. If you see him, tell him his family misses him