Time to go to the liquor store, I’m almost out of holiday spirit
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I want to go to bed without cleaning the kitchen but I don’t want my mother to wake up in a panic 300 miles away.
Airlines trust I can operate an emergency door and usher hundreds of passengers to safety but think I need step by step instructions on buckling a seatbelt.
One time an intruder broke into my house and got scared off by the old high school wrestling trophies I still have on display.
ok this is my dumbest yet
Saw a UPS guy come out of the forest with a package. Guess a bear does ship in the woods.
This household only uses the finest of cat hair on its sandwiches.
Finished building birdhouse. Bird couple coming by tomorrow. In their price range.
I’m buying a gallon of organic milk and now I don’t know how to tell my family that I’m out of money for Christmas gifts
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*overeats sugar*
*gets diabetes*
*gets limbs amputated*
*can finally smile authentically in pics now that not worried what to do with hands*
Guest in disgust:
This tastes like feet!Host: Dammit Eloise! What have I told you about substituting ingredients in recipes?
– cannibal dinner party
Weird how James Bond was always like, ‘I’m 007’ like just be 7
Ok, so we’ve already made them resistant to reason and with an absolute disregard for their own safety. But what if we, and now hear me out, also made them incredibly fast?
—God, creating toddlers
I imagine Hell is just a place where you watch a montage of people’s hands you’ve shook that didn’t wash them after they used the bathroom.
Just right now my only wish is for everyone to go to bed so I can eat my secret second dinner.
A treadmill minute is four times as long as a sleep minute.
Phone
Me: *rushed* I’ll be there but I need to get the chocolate rice crispies cereal out of my hair first
Person: How…
Me: I don’t want to talk about it
When the sour cream you forgot about in the back of the fridge growls at you, that means it’s went bad, right?
Baker: Is there a problem?
Cannibal, returning a mincemeat pie: You’re damn right there’s a problem!
During lockdown our toddler went through a no clothing stage and we taught her to introduce herself to people by saying “Hi. I’m a nudist.” Now that lockdown is over and she’s actually meeting people I can’t decide if this was a very good or a very bad idea
me: hey cat what are you up to
cat: ʜᴀɪʟ ʟᴜᴄɪᴘᴜʀʀ
me: what
cat: meow
Pal: I thought you weren’t supposed to eat for an hour after taking that medicine.
Me: Grapes aren’t food. They’re itty bitty water balloons.
To everyone in this doctors waiting room: calm down. I’ll hit the right note on my trumpet eventually.
I wish I had the same faith in myself as people who leave me voicemails do
Physics Teacher: What is
this measurable unit “µ”
called? Student : Torrent
Co-worker at “Team-building exercise”: What the hell?!
Me: It’s called a “trust fall,” not a “trust catch.”
[seeing anyone after googling something you didn’t know five minutes ago]: hello you ignorant piece of shit
Welcome back to school kids. Please form an orderly line.
If you don’t already have a highly contagious virus, one will be assigned to you.
He’s making a list, he’s checking it twice, he’s leaving the store, he still forgot milk
When someone tells me they’re sick I try to make them feel better with a story about my own sickness that was much worse and many years ago.