PARENTS: When someone offers you drugs, you say no!
ME (going out into the world): I’m ready
[literally no one offers me drugs ever]
SATAN: Hey I bought your soul on Craigslist last week?
ME: No returns
SATAN: Please. It’s making me sad
[i get a phone call]
“Hi we’d like to talk to you about your tweets”
ME: Wow thank you but I don’t do interviews
“This is the police”
MAFIA BOSS (ominously): Take him out
ME: What if he’s already seeing someone
MAFIA BOSS: Well then you have to respect that relationship
[inventing dialup internet]
What should it sound like when it’s connecting?
[guy in the back stands up confidently]
LUCY: Dad, how did I get my name?
ME (signing contract in blood): Ok but can we at least shorten it?
LUCIFER: That’s fine
All the adults who used to tell me “When you’re older you’ll understand” – I appreciate your optimism but have some bad news
I hate the future
[someone kicks a dumpster out of anger]
ME (from inside): Who is it?
ME (tousling his hair): You got a girlfriend?
8 YEAR-OLD: Yeah
ME (grabbing him by the collar): How. How did you do it