If there’s no open mouth cougher on the plane they hold the flight until they can find one
I think we now have enough evidence to know that abolishing billionaires is a public health issue. It’s inhumane to let anyone suffer the brain damage caused by that kind of money
An evil genius rising to a position of power is bad but it makes sense at least. Feels insulting we’re constantly seeing evil dumbasses doing it instead
Any big tech pitch these days: So you know how we all hate the things that make life worth living, right? Well,
This joke is 7 years old
“The engine light is on” Yeah that means it’s working
You didn’t get fired, your job “fumbled you”
Small talk is good for your sanity because you can have a short, pleasant exchange with a stranger and then feel good for a minute because you tricked yourself into thinking maybe not everyone is insane
There’s only one way we’ll at least occasionally get normal elected officials and that’s if we pick them by random lottery
Introducing WifeChat™ the app where you talk to your wife
The “police officer” has been a failed experiment, we must return to “lawman” and it’s a guy who’s also the town dentist and saloon proprietor
People posting their horrific dating app screenshots serves an important purpose: keeping married people together. Whatever problems you have in your marriage you don’t want to be out there again
Fellas, be sure to never ask a lady any questions on a date. This makes them feel interrogated. Strong declarative statements only
Main problem with house prices is the numbers are simply Too Big. What is six hundred thousand dollars. That’s just word salad. A house should be “fifty bucks”
Yeah I have only 2 friends but guess what. Quality over quantity. And are my 2 friends good? Absolutely not,