[first day as a teacher]
me: today we’re learning the alphabet
kid: that’s easy
me: no it’s A-Z idiot
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Candy companies will look you straight in the eye and lie about how they know what a banana tastes like.
Me: How do I beat the bully?
Dad: Just punch him
Me: I am not doing that
Dad: Or grow up, work hard, and be more successful and popular than him
Me: So like an uppercut?
doktor: did you get a drug test?
me: nah I know what I’m on
Is there anything better than a hug or taking a tinkle after a 9 hour car ride?
me: every time you guys don’t listen to us I get to burn a Christmas present in the fireplace.
8: well then you’ll just be wasting your own money.
Well shit.
Act now and we will double your order of crap!
Infomercials
doctor: can you bend down and touch the ground with your fingertips
me: [struggling] nope
doctor: try without the stilts
Whenever I see the words “horse-drawn carriage” I wonder if the horse’s artistic output was limited to means of transportation, or he also did cartoons.
I was at Asda today and a child was misbehaving so his mother pointed at me saying “if you don’t stop he’s gonna take you away” like wtf no im not
I used to be in a band called The Hinges. We usually opened for The Doors.
If I were the tooth fairy I wouldn’t leave any cash, just a note that says I’VE TAKEN YOUR TEETH
She just offered me a “1/4 caffeinated coffee.”
I told her I’d have eight, please.
Me: It’s cute how obsessed you are with me. All you talk about is what I’ve done.
Judge: That’s my job!
the end of twitter is taking forever did tolkien write this
“Pres. Trump, how do you plan to respond to this attack on our soil?”
TRUMP: OK first, I’ve seen several people call me Tronald Dump online
[being stared at by a bunch of guys as I bathe in an airport washroom] can someone get my back please?
I did some exercise in 2010, I should be good for another few years…
You attract more men when you smell like butter, sautéed ham and onions than any expensive perfume.
The first guy to ever throw water at girl in a white shirt probably broke the record for the number of high-fives received in one minute.
piss me off and I’ll put you on my kid’s school fundraiser mailing lists
Don’t ask me if I have a safety pin if you’re going to look at me all weird when I pull one out of my pocket and hand it to you.
3 just stopped what she was doing looked at the sky and said ‘something’s coming’ in case you thought you were going to sleep tonight
There’s nothing worse than being in public & you touch something that shouldn’t be sticky & it is.
2020 is the worst Choose Your Own Adventure book ever
The most rewarding part of having a teenage daughter is having someone who looks exactly like you, acts just like you but who also finds everything about you absolutely repulsive
[ riding into battle ]
YOU GUYS BETTER NOT HURT MY HORSEY
I finished 3 books today. Believe me, that’s a lot of coloring…
Why are so many people going everywhere whenever I have to go anywhere?
*drives motorized scooter into meeting I’m late for, around the conference table, and out the door*