I’ll never understand women. A species that loathes you for asking their age, but tortures you forever if you forget their birthday.
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I just want someone to look at me the way my dog looks at a dishwasher full of dirty dishes.
Me doing a heist: which one of us is gonna be British
The bear sleeping bag is completely awesome.
You should be allowed to take your own food to KFC and have them kentucky fry it for you.
You look stressed, let me pour you a hot cup of pasta.
Me – I’m not in the mood to work today
My bank account – you better GET in the mood
I just got cut off by a bald man in a BMW, so I pulled up next to him, rolled down my window, and laughed at him.
It doesn’t require opening the fridge door three times if you’re really hungry, you’ll find what you want the first time.
A mummy comes back to life, and is disappointed to be desiccated and decayed.
“This was a better idea on papyrus”
ME [as a kid]: i won’t be a grumpy old man
ME [now]: *gets mad at a car for being orange*
My wife apparently was serious about the whole “even if you were the last man on earth” thing.
If ex asks you to go bungee jumping remember, cord goes around feet not neck, no matter what they tell you.
My hair stylist asked for a pic so she could assess my hair for a comeback appointment and I was just told she suddenly left the country.
“Ah, OK. Yes. Now I see it.” -Me lying to someone who’s pointing out a constellation
My FedEx guy knocks on the door like his son is dying and I’m the town doctor.
Girlfriend Parents: so how did you meet our daughter?
Me: we met at a nickelback conc-
Gf: [covers my mouth] we met on tinder
My DNA came back saying I come from a wide selection of cheeses.
Are dinosaurs finished evolving into birds yet? Or will they become even birdier?
I need to stay vigilant while venturing into the ocean this week.
Sharks be looking at me like “I can get three meals out of him.”
me: can i be frank for a sec
boss: sure
frank: thank you
The older you get the younger young people look, our seven year old waiter is killing it.
My daughter said I was too old for over-the-knee boots so I bought two pair and told her she was too young to borrow them.
Class action lawsuits are gangs for white people.
I’m probably at my sexiest when I’m moving my head around trying to see if it’s a smudge on my sunglasses or an eye floaty
I’m not saying I’m on Amazon a lot but I did notice it was down before they did.
men only want one thing: a large italian wife that chases them around with a big wooden spoon when they sneak a meatball before dinner
My late grandpa may not have had much as a simple circus clown, but he sure left some big shoes to Phil
“I do law stuff” – attorney general
“I serve as the chief legal adviser to the Crown and the Government”
– attorney specific