“1-1-9, what’s your non-emergency?”
Caller:
“Just kidding, you dialed it right. Thought you could use a laugh right about now.”
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Me: It’s not working out between us. You’re too suffocating.
Darth Vader:
Keep in mind that parenting guides are written by people with enough free time & financial resources to write a parenting guide.
Love listening to 29 year olds say they are old.
My ex husband went to buy a lotto ticket & never came back, I guess he won, haven’t see him in over 20 years
One of my shoes has developed a squeak and now any walking I do has a slightly downcast Charlie Brown quality to it
Sometimes I like to trick my dryer by selecting the Bedding setting when the load is really jeans and towels.
[killer in horror movie suddenly appears]
me: *sighing* ugh I JUST sat down
I hate that, you go to someone’s wedding and they’re asking “who invited you” my friend focus on your union and let me eat in peace
NURSE: She’s in a coma. She’s been on hungerstrike
[boyfriend walks in with just enough chips for himself]
PATIENT: *Opens one eye*
Know Your Time-Related Abbreviations
B.C. – before christ
A.D. – after dhristA.M. – after midnight
P.M. – pefore midnight
“Dad, can you tell me what a solar eclipse is?”
No sun.
ME: *telling a joke*
SARA: haha
SARAH: hahah
If I was a witch I would cast vague and subtle spells. So and so never gets to see a rainbow again. That type of stuff.
I often message people with the weird idea that they’ll message me back.
6am: makes coffee
6:20am: grabs cup
6:21am: plugs in coffee maker
CIVIL WAR SPOILER: A lot of people in the South still don’t know they lost.
Show yourself some self-love.
No. Not in public.
getting a rib removed so i can suck my own rib
awkardly looking around the applebees bar & grill for my tidner date whose profile picture is waluigi
Shot to the heart
And you’re to blame
You drink shots
With bad aim
Corgis are great when you want a wolf that’s a loaf of bread.
I hate when drinks say to shake well. Like we’re all just masters of shaking things
Tricks I can do with a skateboard
•look at it
•smell it
•rub the top
•fall off it if I stand on it
•spin the wheels with my fingers
•sell it
One of the most romantic things a rose can do for another rose is leave a trail of human body parts from the front door to the bedroom.
These Brit awards outfits are getting stupid now.
me: I wish for infinite wishes!
genie: ok
me: wait are you serious
genie: [exhaling cigarette] yeah I don’t give a shit
[Girl from Willy Wonka turns into a blueberry]
Wonka: Call in The Blue Man Group!
[Blue Man Group rolls her out while singing Eiffle 65]
I carry an extra fish stick behind my ear like a Marlboro.
Me: Doc, I hurt my back.
Dr: What happened?
Me: Well, I was rolling over in bed…
Dr: AT YOUR AGE??!???
I was in a triathlon once and I even led briefly during the registration portion